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I Think Life's Full of Transference

Posted by Rigby on February 7, 2004, at 18:16:24

In reply to Re: I got my wish gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on February 7, 2004, at 10:38:54

I think that whether it's your therapist or the girl next door, when we develop intense crushes for people, or even "fall in love" we're acting *somewhat* upon transference. Don't most of us have huge needs and urges from our past that need filling?

I think the "trap" that I learned about, and this is by being with the woman I idealized (older, gorgeous, brilliant, a well respected M.D.!) is that, yeah, you're in this "state" of arousal around "getting" this person (the chase), then being with them (yummy!!) and then, after a while, years even, you really begin to have a look at what you've "got." Luckily, in my case, the woman I lusted after is wonderful; but it's not like I'm in the same "state" I was before about her. I had to go have sex with another woman to get me there again--and again and again. It's a difficult pattern.

I believe the crushed state is similar to a wonderful, wonderful drug. But once you do "get" the person, in time, it wears off and if you don't go deeper to figure out what's up you'll leave her or maybe go out on her to get that high again.

Love and lust are fabulous things. For me, learning that they can also mask some demons has been difficult. Very difficult.

Put another way, if all you can think about is her, pretty much, how getting her is the only thing you can focus on then, how if you can't have her you'll die, etc., well, I'd call that a distraction--a pleasant one but possibly something to examine in terms of running away from some stuff (I plead very guilty as charged on this one.)

I think actually by confronting the "can we ever be lovers" question is a good thing. Because the sooner you know it's out of the question, the sooner you will have to re-focus the therapy onto you--kicking, screaming, whaling, totally ticked off you can't get what you want--but it'll be back on *you.* Whether it be the pain of disappointment or other pain in your life but in either case, the focus goes back to you and not to her and how you can "get" her. This is assuming your therapist is skilled and has some backbone.

I've "gotten" most of the women I've wanted. And nearly got my therapist too. But when she caught herself in it she called it off and, I think by doing so, I grew. Not finished growing, by a long shot, but not getting what you want when you almost always do, through tried and true methods is a really, really tough experience but in a lot of ways unbelievably beneficial.

Having said all this, I don't think you can learn much about matters of the heart from batting them around on a message board. The heart wants what it wants. You can only learn by going out there and living and loving--getting your heart broken and feeling it soar.




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