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Re: What I need » fallsfall

Posted by Dinah on January 30, 2004, at 11:03:17

In reply to What I need, posted by fallsfall on January 30, 2004, at 9:03:40

LOL. Well, Dinah happens to agree with Penny. :P

First of all, your therapist has many fine and useful qualities, and has been very helpful to you. I don't mean to criticize him.

But it seems like he just perpetuated the perceived pattern in this case, and I think the better strategy would have been to provide you with a corrective emotional experience. To show you that a different result *can* happen with the right person. But... Maybe he has his reasons.

So here's my guess. You think. When I'm sick, I'm bad, and no one will come. When the truth is that in the past when you've been sick, there have been a lot of times that no one came, and you explained that to yourself by saying that no one came because you were bad. That way it left open the possibility that if you were "good" you'd get the care you needed in the future. When the truth was that your caretakers just had some limitations. So you come to him and tell him this, and what does he do? Repeats his part of the pattern, leaving you to fill in the rest of it with your usual explanation.

But maybe this time you could give yourself a different explanation? You could say, I was vulnerable (sick) and offered something of myself to my therapist, hoping for a certain response. His response, for whatever reason, felt invalidating. But that wasn't because I was bad. It was *him* not me. He lacked the attunement that we would ideally like from caretakers. He missed my cues, he was openly and frankly withholding, and it felt rotten. But it wasn't because I was bad. I was vulnerable, I tried hard, I did what I should in therapy. I was very very good. And being very good doesn't guarantee good results.

Ouch. That hurts me. I always like to think being good guarantees good results, too.

 

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