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When the relationship ends

Posted by YoungBoy84 on January 29, 2004, at 8:26:25

I don't want to give any (self injury) ideas to people so don't read if you are very sensitive. I found this forum some time ago and im now making a simple post (it is about a post called "me and my nurse" that I posted earlier but it's such a long post so I make this short and simple)

I have some kind of relationship with my (im her patient) nurse in one "dayhospital" where I am 6 houers per day, she is maybe 10 years older than me. I know many things about her because she has told me so she is not a stonewall like therapeuts. I have now been there for almost 6 months and im still going to be some more. We talk few houers per week, but I see her everyday 6 houers and we talk now and then anyway etc. Im very attached to her and she knows it too because we have talked about it many times, first I had a crush on her but then it went away and now she is like some friend or something. My problem is this that maybe 2 months ago when I was on a christmas vacation, I got many self-harm ideas in my head and I couldnt get them away, it was like the so called "angel of death" I had 2 weeks these terrible ideas that if I can't see her anymore when the hospital time ends some day, I couldn't go on living, I would buy poison etc. Now im not having these feelings but they were terrible when they were, I couldn't get them out of my head but finally when 2 weeks of the vacation had gone I got them away, because I knew that im going back to the hospital when my vacation ends and I would see her again. So happened. She has never said that I could come to her private life, because I have many times talked about it. But she doesn't say them in "NEVER ever" way. I told her too that if she would say that she hates me then I could leave this place now and never return because I dont like people that dont like me but she didn't say she hates me and im still there. My sickness is only some small depression and I had some panic things, I couldn't go to a store and buy food etc. Now the panic things are almost gone because she has helped me so much and that is one reason I'm so attached to her(im trying to make this post short but im no psychopat or like that, I would also never hurt her in anyway). Has anyone else had these kind of self-harm thoughts that you can't continue living if you loose your (well mine is a nurse) therapeut someday? I also had an idea that I would buy a knife and stick it into me somewhere in some of our last days, someday, but that idea was 3 months ago and I don't have it anymore. I hope I didn't give any ideas to anyone, this is just my situation.


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:YoungBoy84 thread:306815
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040123/msgs/306815.html