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Re: Your experience

Posted by Still Hurting on January 4, 2004, at 22:27:01

In reply to Your experience Still Hurting, posted by crushedout on January 4, 2004, at 11:25:13

Crushed, where have you been? I thought everybody on this site knew about my drama.
I began therapy somewhere around Febrary. I took one look at my therapist and thought she was one ugly woman. But knowing that she could probably see my expression I hid my first impression drama and followed her into the room.
As I sat there week by week I was drawn into her. Her aura was incridible. Such love, care, concern and compassion I'd never, or rather, I hadn't felt anything that powerful in a long time. I mean, just her presence seemed to send off this powerful energy that made me feel so good. I felt like a baby in its mother's arms. Three to four weeks into therapy I started having psychological problems with her. I would leave therapy and my mind would be on her 24/7 and then some. I fantasized of her continuously. She would either play the role of my mother, lover or friend. It was so hard. She seemed to be the perfect person in my life. She was the soul mate that my heart/soul had been looking for. She was the mother that could cradle all my fears away. I loved her. I would open up to her with ease. Not because she deserved it as my therapist, but because I loved her and didn't want to hide anything from her. Plus, we were in therapy so being open and honest with her seemed only appropriate. We seemed to have such a connection, whether she was faking or not, I don't know. But from my point of view her and I were tight. We talked about everything and anything. Yet I was feeling guilty because I knew that I was so attached to her and that was one thing I was hiding within the sessions. Once we talked about how I was attached to some woman but I didn't let her know that the woman was her. She gave me advice but I still struggled. She saw that I looked at her as a mother figure but we never stayed on that subject for long. But sooner or later I couldn't live with it on my conscience knowing how powerful I felt about this woman. Plus my attachment to her was beginning to unravel. So I decided to just be truthful. I wrote her a five page letter explaining to her that I wanted her love. Whatever I had to be in order to receive her love I was willing to become it so that I could continuously feel her love. Whether that was to be a her lover, her child or her friend. Who told me to do that. That scared the crap in her. Next thing I know she was calling a meeting between me, herself and my doctor. And followed up therapy sessions had to be held with her and another male therapist. I didn't approve of this change. And she couldn't explain to me whereby it made sense to me why this was necessary. I felt abandon, rejected and hurt. Now mind you, for about six weeks she'd kept asking me if I wanted another therapist. For about five weeks straight I would tell her no and then finally I asked her if she felt as if she couldn't help me. She told me that she could and so we left the subject alone. So when she cancelled our session for that week in order that she could see me the following week along with my doctor,I saw it as her way out. It hurt me so bad because she knew that I had a problem with rejection and she "promised" not to reject me. She even stated that she was in it for the long haul because I'd been bounced from therapist to therapist.
Well seeing that I didn't like what she'd done, I called another therapy service to better understand why she would have done what she did. None of the therapy services understood that approach. So in anger I stated that I was going to burn her house down. I didn't even know where she lived. They inturn called her service and told them what I'd said. The next day I was called to have a meeting with her boss and my doctor. They decided that they knew I'd spoken out of frustration nevertheless my sessions with her were now terminated. Not only were they cancelled, my contact with her was immediately terminated. Not only could I not contact her, I couldn't be found anywhere near her job premises. Boy that hurt. I'd given my soul to this woman so she could help me and now I was terminated from her like I had Sars or something. Nobody knows the pain. I felt emotionally raped. I gave this woman my secrets and she did what others had done. I didn't mean to fall for her the way I did. But it happened. She'd taught me how to sit down and talk crap out but when it came to this she was nowhere to be found. Two days after it happened, I found a way to talk to her for about 4 minutes about why she'd terminated me. She told me that I'd crossed boundaries. Unfortunately she thinks she'd done me a favor by talking to me for those 4 minutes. She tells her job that being those 4 minutes didn't help me that's proof that I need another therapist to help me work thru the transference. Sometimes I hate her so. I hate her for opening me up and not staying around to sew me back up. Yeah, I'm wrong for loving her, but it's not that I purposely wanted to. Okay, it's my fault. I take responsibility of falling for my therapist. I blame myself for feeling safe in her presence. What also hurt is that recently I learned that it wasn't her establishment that barred me from the premises it was her. She went to them and told them all the ways I was trying to reconnect with her. I was using email and the phone. I was really punished by her for loving her. I wonder if she treats all people like this. Two weeks ago I asked her if she'll meet with me to provide more closure to this drama. She declined. I told her that I didn't like going thru this pain. She asked me if I knew the crap that she was going thru. I told her no, but she could tell me. She hung up. I could hear her frustrations. I've decided to let it all go. It's bad enough that the police have been involved, plus her job, our friends,family members, it's too much. The police were involved because I got her home number and address and used it. Oh mercy. It scarred the crap out of her when I called her at home. I am no fatal attraction. I just couldn't say good-bye to what seemed to give me life. I needed help letting go what seemed to be love, attention and affection for me. She was my all. If there was anybody I felt at one with it was her. But when she saw my transference, she ran from me, whilst I stood there holding the bag. I just never thought she would have hurt me so, even if it was my dumbness.
That's my story crushed.
And God knows I pray that with your feelings for your therapist it never comes down to something like this. Pain took you to your therapist but you've never experience true pain until crap like this goes down with your therapist.
Be extremely careful as you and your therapist play around with your transference. When it bites you in the butt it will hurt you really bad.




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