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Re: Memories again - too long, don't bother

Posted by Dinah on November 29, 2003, at 23:57:50

In reply to Re: Dinah, are you okay? » Dinah, posted by shar on November 29, 2003, at 21:10:24

I agree that the encoding of memory is fascinating, and I'd love to learn more about it.

I guess much of my concern is that I do want to believe that I haven't forgotten anything important from my past. All the memories I now posess, whatever their gaps and lapses, are ones I've always had. And I guess I want to assure myself that that's all there was, folks. It's hard to prove a negative, yet I really believe that my memories are all that happened.

I've looked around a bit, and it seems that what I'm describing are "flashbulb memories" from a "field" perspective. I'm trying to research it some more. But apparently gaps in the memories are not uncommon. And maybe Jane is right. Maybe I wasn't concentrating on who it was as much as I was on my feelings. It seems so clear that it must have been my mother. She was fond of inventive teaching moments, and this isn't so far from the things we both remember with fondness. (Like the time I had a temper tantrum and banged my doll Natalie against the wall and her eyes popped out. I was really young at the time (3 or 4) and my mother used the opportunity to teach me about consequences by really playing up how badly "Natalie" was hurt. We immediately rushed her to the "doll hospital" hastily found in the phone book and I don't believe I ever broke a toy or anything else in anger again.) I guess she just didn't realize that this was a different matter altogether. So it may have been so obvious to me that it was my mom that I didn't bother encoding it.

My mother now refuses to remember that I ever threatened suicide. She lives in her own fantasy world, and has her own memories of why I was visiting the psychiatrist. Apparently in the world according to Mom, I saw a psychiatrist because my father was insensitive. Neat trick, getting him to agree to pay for that. :P

My father remembers that my suicidal gestures are why he allowed me to visit a shrink. He remembers my hysterical threats, but views them with a mixture of amusement and contempt that I recall from back then. He doesn't remember this incident. But I only remember one parent being around, so that's means nothing except it probably was my mother.

So Jane, you are probably right (and yes, I do know how often you're right :) ). Memories are frequently gappy, and the fact that it was my mother was probably so obvious as to be irrelevant. I keep wanting to clear off my glasses and peer more closely, hoping that if I squint enough I can see it more clearly. But if I understand correctly, that's not going to happen.

I guess the really important thing about this particular memory is that I realize the connection between certain reflexive behaviors I have now and this past experience, and that I actually believe that my therapist has convinced me that he won't metaphorically offer me a knife. So theoretically I can drop the behaviors.

As for greater security or lack thereof, for the completeness of my memories, I don't suppose it means anything at all. :(

 

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