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Reneed someone to talk to badly

Posted by helenag on November 21, 2003, at 18:24:50

In reply to Re: need someone to talk to badly, posted by helenag on November 20, 2003, at 21:53:22

failed miserably today. went to the bar after work and had four drinks. then proceeded to call my pdoc and finally got ahold of him about an hour and a half later. thank goodness I was able to articulate some of my feelings to him. we agreed to resume therapy with the in-house therapist. sure hope that will help. he promised that he would not leave me, so deep is my shame and guilt over having trouble so soon after being hospitalized so many times.

Don't know about you all, but I find life so very bewildering--I once cut out this quote and it fits my experience most well: "LIfe has been, since man was born, licking honey from a thorn."

As the lion said in the Wizard of Oz, "Ain't it the truth, ain't it the truth??"

Every time I try to attempt a normal course of existence, it doesn't fit me. There is just something too wierd about life that won't go away with me. Is it perpetual adolescence??? Yikes, I hope not. Have been around the block too many times. It's not that. My pdoc told me tonight that for some reason he can't fathom, and as corny as it sounds, I don't have any love for myself.

Now, someone tell me what that even means. Regard, yes. I do. But, however, for years and years, I believe that I have been quite caught up in this "survival" mode....maybe its mid-life.????

All the lollipops I've used in the past to help me with moods do not help me anymore: religion, self-help books, zen, medititation, crafts, etc... Not as a means to that end. For themselves, okay, but not as a means to improve my mood or better myself. That's bogus. Have tried it before and obviously, they aren't to be used that way.

Have come to the conclusion again, that maybe the way out is to simply stop giving a shit about it all in the first place. Mood disorders keep you so focused on yourself...what if you just noted it and went on?? (Oh, yeah)

I vacillate between depression over this and anger. You cannot believe my despair over finding myself still battling this shit after all these years. I am so tired of it all. Asked my pdoc if maybe there was nothing wrong with me except maybe I was just plain neurotic...nuts.

And the real kicker is: you couldn't catch me dead talking to anyone I know like this....I hide this from I thank you from the bottom of my little crazy heart.




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