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Re: need someone to talk to badly

Posted by helenag on November 20, 2003, at 21:53:22

Have had so much trouble the past months that I don't dare say much to anyone here at home. Was in hospital five times, came home and felt somewhat better for awhile, but now find myself sliding back into depression. Am doing what I can to help myself which means watching over my other trouble, alcoholism-been going to meetings and staying clear of drinking.

Am ashamed to be feeling this way. Like, what now? as my husband asked me on Sunday. I have fears that my pdoc will get sick of me and even he said we have tried many approaches. I don't even think calling him any more is even good sense no matter how rotten it feels inside.

Today was very tough. Had very impulsive dark thoughts. Am coming to the conclusion that this may be as good as it gets for just aceept the fact that life may include these shifts. Yet, surely not! Then the other side of me says why care? Go about your business and quit giving a damn about how you feel. Except it is hard to concentrate and the depression becomes almost like a physical sense of pain.

Have never felt a fear of abandonment around this before. The pdoc threatened to leave me once if I didn't enter alcohol treatment; and I did go. Now my fear is that not only he but my husband will get sick of me--

Told myself today that I've been dealing with this shit for years and years before ever seeking psych help and did okay (well, sorta) and maybe the robot approach would work.

Am just so tired of all this...I was starting to even out in mood and was hit with severe anxiety and then slid right into this morass...

Sorry for all the whining. As my post says, I needed to talk to someone. I don't feel safe talking to anyone in person's like watching your hamster go around the wheel again. Maybe I should go and join the circus???




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