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When did therapy become so complicated??? (long)

Posted by Penny on November 20, 2003, at 14:01:48

Okay, folks, I'm back on babble for the time being - just couldn't stay away - but I do need to attempt to limit myself. However, I really need some feedback on a therapy issue...

My T, in our last session, asked again if I have given any more thought to joining a DBT group - which I really haven't - after my telling her about feeling hopeless about the future, about my job, about life in general, etc. And I was left with the feeling that what she was really saying was that she can't really help me. Not that she doesn't want to - I'm sure she does - but that perhaps I need more/different help than she can provide.

Of course, I would still be seeing her once a week while doing DBT, but the whole thing just stresses me out and I don't know why. And sometimes I get the feeling that maybe she's not really helping me that much anyway. She pointed out to me that my thoughts regarding my hopelessness were a bit extreme, and that DBT might help with that, and I told her that I just feel so stuck and I hate my job and I don't know what to do, and she said that she's not really an expert on helping people make career decisions or change jobs, but that there are people out there who are. And it's good that she's being honest about that, but at the moment I'm not sure what good it's doing me to be in therapy at all.

Which led me to wanting to cancel today's appointment. Then I felt like that would be playing games with her somewhat - testing her in a way - because what I would really want would be for her to resist my canceling the appointment. But she might not, and then I would really end up feeling like she didn't really care, or that she wasn't concerned, or whatever. But I don't think that's fair to her, to 'test' her. I want to be honest.

And Dinah told me that I already know that I need to be upfront and honest about my feelings about all of this, but I guess I didn't realize until recently how much I want HER to be able to help me. We were talking about my applying to grad school, and she said that maybe I really do need to just take this year to get my emotional health in good shape, which I agree with, except that, as I told her, I have been trying for several years now to get my emotions together, and it's just not happening. And there's no question that I'm not applying to grad school at least until next year, but I told her that I need to figure out a way to tolerate life as it is (with my job and such) until then. And my finances are still a mess, which is one of the things holding me back from joining the DBT group, though I need to talk to the DBT therapist about payment arrangements, but I'm just feeling so stressed right now about everything, and I don't know what my meds are doing, if anything, and I guess I just felt like she didn't really get it, or, if she did, she didn't know what to tell me, which isn't much help. I wanted her to help me, and I felt like she was saying that she can't. Again, I know she wants to, or I assume she wants to, but I just felt like she didn't know how.

I've been seeing her for nearly a year now, and I didn't enter therapy expecting a short-term fix (I've been in therapy for 4 years), and last Thursday I was feeling pretty upbeat, but on Tuesday this week I was down again, and I feel like maybe she's frustrated with me.

Okay - sorry for all the run-on sentences. My HS English teacher would have a fit! :-)

I just don't know what to do, folks. I really don't know what to do.

And I apologize for the overuse of the word REALLY. Really.





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