Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | List of forums | Search | FAQ

Connecting and Taking In....

Posted by Pfinstegg on November 13, 2003, at 20:53:35

I don't know whether others feel the same way or not, but I think this board is becoming increasingly sophisticated about transferences- and extremely helpful to those of us in therapy. We all seem to have the same extremely painful reactions: anxiety, dread or intense longing about getting INTO the office, fear of saying what's really on our minds, feeling that the therapist is missing the point, that he(she) doesn't care about us, but longing for them to do so, having strong feelings of sexual attraction about which we are often ashamed, or (one case here so far) deciding that seducing the therapist is ALL we really want to do after all, intense fears of abandonment, and of our own rage at the prospect, dread or intense relief at getting OUT of the office, hours (or days) of stress afterwards. Then, wondering all the time whether the conclusions we draw about THEIR feelings towards us are accurate or are transference distortions. We are desperate to know, but how can we, ever?

I just went through about two weeks of feeling cold, alienated, angry and very distrustful of my therapist. I wondered why I was coming (and PAYING) to see this person whom I didn't like, couldn't understand and, in fact hated. I felt excruciatingly alone, and was (uncharacteristically) silent. All this time, I was thinking that I must have chosen the wrong therapist, and, if I could only choose the right one, painful things like this would not happen. He kept saying things like, "I did ask for all of you to be in here- can you tell me what this part of you is feeling?" I was enraged by the sound of his voice, never mind the questions!

But after two weeks, I gradually, slowly, reluctantly, realized, with gentle but persistent prodding from him, that I was having a prolonged flashback and really couldn't distinguish between him and the semi-conscious memories of my extremely abusive father (now dead). As I really began to understand this, my mood changed and became peaceful. I said, "I feel so different now-so close to you." He replied, "I know- I feel very close to you now, too". After a few minutes, the session ended, without stress or a sense of loss for the first time. That was Wednesday, but I have not been anxious or depressed since then. I feel I am beginning to be able to carry him inside me- filling up a huge empty space. Those weeks were very hard to endure, and I know there will be many more of them, but it seems as though they were what made it possible to have such a good experience afterwards.

The thing which I find the most interesting about this is that it didn't involve any specific recovered memories; instead, it involved re-experiencing the feelings the little girl I once was had, followed by a process of beginning to replace a destructive internal representation of a father with a new, more benign and loving one.

I don't think anything useful could have come of this episode if I had not been going twice a week- I was in a state where I couldn't think, and really needed my therapist to think for me and maintain a sense of what was actually happening between us. Now, it's clear (for the moment!), but it was a huge, miserable muddle while it was occuring.





Post a new follow-up

Your message only Include above post

Notify the administrators

They will then review this post with the posting guidelines in mind.

To contact them about something other than this post, please use this form instead.


Start a new thread

Google www
Search options and examples
[amazon] for

This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | FAQ
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Pfinstegg thread:279546