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Re: Getting worse » DaisyM

Posted by fallsfall on October 22, 2003, at 10:49:28

In reply to Re: Getting worse, posted by DaisyM on October 21, 2003, at 13:22:41

> I told him that I was embarressed that I couldn't work it out on my own and ended up calling him -- and that I felt like a huge pain and that he would end up mad at me. It was interesting because he started out reassuring me that it was really OK, he wanted to know how the weekend went and thought my chosen coping skill (cleaning everything in sight!) was really OK. He did say that he thought I was terrified of needing him (YOU THINK!?) and that I would probably continue to struggle with this...and he would probably have to tell me a hundred times that it was OK to need people, him included. But then I told him I needed a pep talk, I felt like I was getting worse. But, I didn't get a pep talk...I got, "well, it will probably be this way for awhile because we are going into some deep and dangerous places for you. That is why we are meeting more frequently right now, to help contain the flooding." Great. Thanks. I told him there is a hole in my container...at least he laughed.

Therapists don't seem to want to comfort us. They want us to see reality (nice of them, huh?). I did the same thing with my therapist - we spent the whole time talking about how he wasn't upset by things I had said and he was glad that I brought it up, and etc. As I walked out the door I said "So we're OK?" (wanting assurance that he wasn't mad at me). I'm sure he was shaking his head as I walked out the door - I didn't dare look.

His answer to you was that there isn't any easy way out. That you have to fight through the pain. He can't tell you that the pain will go away without a fight - and I think that is what you want to hear (and so do I!!!).
>
> It was complicated in my house growing up so asking for emotional support, in any fashion, just wasn't done. That isn't too say that I wasn't loved or never hugged but there was a level of unpredictability and then, unavailability, on the part of both of my parents. (There I go again -- my standard, it wasn't THAT bad, so I SHOULDN'T feel this bad, other people have had it way worse...My Therapist has noticed this, commented on it, points it out when I diminish what happend but I've noticed he never actually disagrees that it wasn't that bad.)

I believed I had a really good childhood until I was 38. My parents each had, in essence, an emotional unavailability to me. Things looked great from the outside (no physical or sexual abuse, attentive parents, no real money worries, etc.). But when I was really, really little and the availability issue mattered to my ability to grow up emotionally, they weren't there. Plus I was hospitalized for 10 days (Meningitis, spinal taps - they were wonderful and my mother wasn't allowed to be there). I think that this kind of neglect - which is in the family from the very, very beginning can be very, very damaging (I have Borderline Personality Disorder).
>
> I, in turn, do back flips to be available to my children, emotionally and actually physically being here. This has been a recent topic for exploration in therapy as well, how is my present depression going to negatively impact my children -- and how hard I work to keep all this from them. They are not babies (teens/preteen)so they notice stuff.

My therapist finally convinced me that my school age children NEEDED to know that I cried. And that they NEEDED to know that I had problems that I was trying to solve. Because otherwise they would think that when they grew up THEY would always have to have it together. I still have trouble with this... But I think she was right.
>
> I also said yesterday that I was thinking if I took a couple of days off, isolated myself and really processed all of these thoughts for 48 hours -- really worked on this stuff -- that maybe I could get through it and be done with it. He told me this was a bad idea, it doesn't work that way and to put that notion right out of my head. Vacation for selfcare is what he is advocating for. How do you vacation from your thoughts?!

Watch "What About Bob". Distraction - whatever works for you. Sleep. Play with your kids. I think that he is right that you can't do it all at once. The truths have to seep down into your unconscious. I usually have some idea of what I was supposed to learn the day after a session. I thought, maybe I should see him three times a week instead of twice. But if I did that I would not be living, and I would not be trying out the new truths to see if they work. I certainly sympathize with the "Let's get this over with" attitude.

> Thanks for the support all.

 

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poster:fallsfall thread:271258
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