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Re: Were you bullied as a kid? trigger

Posted by deirdrehbrt on October 9, 2003, at 23:28:47

In reply to Re: Were you bullied as a kid? » deirdrehbrt, posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 22:27:54

*triggers, abuse*
I suppose that this gives me an opportunity do do some of what my therapist wants me to do. I am supposed to recognize that what I went through was really severe. I still have a difficult time admitting that I was abused, and an even more difficult time admitting that I have DID (multiple personality disorder) as a result.
I really had no idea that I had been abused until I was about 40 years old. There were some things in my life that I thought were strange, but never pieced them together. When I was about 29, I went to a chiropractor who took an X-ray. He asked me when I had broken my hips (both), and I said that I hadn't. He showed me the X-ray, and I could see the breaks. There were some other weird things like that.
Last year, I was at a meeting, and one woman was talking about getting hit with yardsticks, etc. as a form of punishment. That was when the light finally went on. I was listening to her and thinking "How can she think that was severe? yardsticks don't hurt.... they break. Paddle-ball paddles don't hurt.... they break."
I went back to my therapist's office after that, and we started looking at the abuse. I had never had a context for it. I didn't know what a normal family was.
So.... a bit of what went on in my family. My dad didn't hit us with his hands (much). He had a leather shaving strop. If we were to be getting a beating with it, we had to go and get it. My father would be counting, so if we took too long, we got more swipes.
My mother used the yardsticks and paddles. She once, after both had broken, and when I made the mistake of smiling, tried to slap me across the face. I put my arm up and blocked it, and therefore got a beating with the strap.
With my DID, I was able to dissociate, and wouldn't feel the beatings. I had to learn to cry to let them think I was actually feeling it.
I was hit once over the head with a hammer, by my brother.
One winter, two of my brothers took a block of ice and broke it over my head.
I remember being chaced through my back yard by my brother who was weilding a running chainsaw.
Another time, someone I didn't know grabbed me from behind, with a knife at my throat, looking for my brother.
I would get beatings for lying, where I would be told that I had been seen somewhere doing something. I had no memory of doing it. Now, I know that was my DID.
This past year, I was in the hospital. I looked at a newspaper, and there was an article about a priest being convicted of sexual assault. I was immediately triggered. I remembered the number of priests through our house. My brother was assaulted by one. He and I would both spend a great deal of time at the rectory, and at the priests camp. I drove by that camp once a year ago, and did nothing but cry.
While at the hospital, a nurse was asking about my hips and the type of injury. She told me that with that type of injury, my hips would dislocate easily. As far back as I remember, my hips have been dislocating.
I've been able to dissociate for as long as I remember. I feel almost no pain. 2 months ago, I was hit by a car. Never felt it.
In short, I have a lot of work to do. I think that I must be stupid to try and say that I wasn't badly abused. I usually use the excuse that I don't remember my hips being broken. Dumb or what?
With only what is here, I should realize that I was severely abused. I should be able to accept that my DID is real.
For tonight, I was abused. The DID is real. What I experienced was bad. For tonight, I believe.
I hope this doesn't bother too many people too much.
Dee.


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poster:deirdrehbrt thread:267558
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