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Re: Adia--About that Little Girl

Posted by kara lynne on September 12, 2003, at 2:22:07

In reply to Re: Adia--About that Little Girl » Adia, posted by HannahW on September 11, 2003, at 23:53:13

Today in counseling I realized that I have been in a pretty regressed state lately. I have gone into the realm I was in as a child, where none of my needs were ever going to be met and I felt completely abandoned.

The other day I was at my mother's house. I lifted my shirt up because I couldn't reach a place on my back that was hurting. When I did, blood was dripping down my side from a cut. I asked my mother what was there and she just stood there, stared blankly and said something about a scratch. I paused for a moment--expecting her to get a towel to help clean me up. Then I realized, of course she wouldn't, and went in the kitchen and tended to it myself. But for that little girl it was still so painful.

When I was younger I used to play these heartbreaking little games to prove that no one would care for me. When I was about 9 my family had traveled out of town to visit some relatives. I had felt so invisible that when we got in the car to drive back I stayed on the corner and waved to my family with my relatives to see if they would notice. They drove off without me. Of course they did come back eventually, but I'd proved my point. Another time when I was in the kitchen with my mother I cut myself with a knife, bleeding, while my mother stood right next to me without noticing.

Today I realized-- in so many ways I am still that little girl waiting to see if someone's going to leave without her, or leave her cut and bleeding. I have been waiting for love that never comes, maybe even to prove that it will never come, and trying for it over and over. And if I keep doing that I will stay regressed, and sabatoge my chances for a relationship that can meet my needs. Maybe I can find that after I've addressed them myself first.

And so we talked about ways to become aware of That Little Girl and give her what she needs. Even though I know so much about my issues, it's such a difficult dynamic to be aware of. Or when I'm aware, not to critically judge it.

Your post and Adia's touched me too tonight.


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