Posted by Reva on September 5, 2003, at 6:03:01
In reply to Re: parental invalidation » Reva, posted by fallsfall on September 4, 2003, at 21:52:59
Good questions. Actually I go much further and better. I tell them exactly what they did and why it hurt me. I ALSO tell them how their perception was distorted and why THAT is hurtful... After telling them, I ALWAYS feel better and I can't imagine they don't, because the (sometimes delayed) immediate effect is so often good. You have to be reminded to ask for forgiveness sometimes and you can't be forgiven without knowing you need to be. And really they are basically good people. I don't suppose this technique would work with basically bad people, if such a thing exists. (It might work even better!) I ALSO sometimes allude to how THEY might have been hurt- to cause the blindnesses that obviously show in their behavior towards me. I don't know enough about this however, so I have to be very careful to do it accurately as possible or (usually) not at all. I am learning more every day, though, after discovering Lloyd DeMause's website and the shocking evidence that virtually ALL children of German origin and most of other European origin, up until the tail end of the 19th century, were gratuitously injured by their parents as a matter of course! All of my grandparents just about fall into either of the above categories. I don't know why the OUTCOME is so different among differing individuals of my generation, (not to speak of other generations of seemingly high functioning people with very flawed parents). Maybe that iron-willed discipline thing really did create some benefits, who knows? And maybe very hurt people can actually achieve MORE on some levels. I never would have become a good writer if there hadn't been an urgent burning need to express myself. But to get either one of them to talk about their family history is like pulling teeth, so consequently I know very little about any of it.
I, by the way, never got married and never had any children although I wish I had some now. I think we'd have a glorious relationship, with what I know today. Of course, with the way the world is going, I'm often exceedingly happy that I DON'T have any, although I'm very lonely around this.... I don't have a whole lot of contact with other people's kids either, or other people, period. Happy people's teenagers set me apart the most and make me feel like a complete and hopeless freak by contrast. But once a happy gifted 3 year old I was babysitting for, drove me to tears of despair and grief, just by virtue of her happiness. The "lost paradise" aspect was so sharp and poignant I quit the job with no explanation after being there twice. This was about 25 years ago and I'm still moved to tears thinking about it today. My mother insists I was a very happy toddler myself. I was not. I hated myself for not talking well enough and being the stupid *** I felt myself to be. Actually that never changed.
I've had numerous therapists in the past, too many to count really, and many who should be arrested for presuming they were. And many more who should have been arrested for taking money they didn't earn and for taking money in exchange for making me worse. The best advice I ever got, as I alluded to above, was to stay away from their table unless I'm physically hungry, and stay away from their emotional influence at all costs, (a very hard piece of advice to fulfill). And not to feel guilty about collecting the disability payments. As far as your warning not to make them feel guilty by confronting them, that doesn't worry me. As I said, I'm getting clear enough to know how to do it rather well.
Actually today was an EXCELLECT day. The latest crisis wrapped itself up yesterday, thanks to my clarity and perseverence, and the euphoria might be temporary, but it sure feels good now. I even said NO for the first time in my life to another chance to pleasantly toxify myself in search of the spiritual relief that I'm managed lately to genuinely achieve(!) You can congratulate me for that if you want...
Thanks for caring, whoever you are. Please keep writing. This interaction is THE BEST!! and I want MORE MORE MORE!!!! Maybe I can help some of you out there. OVER
Your family of origin does sound like there are some significant problems. I'm sorry that you had to grow up (and be a grown up) that way.
>
> I guess that I would hope that you would ask yourself two questions:
>
> 1. Is there any chance (or is there a reasonable chance), that if I confront my parents and tell them how they have hurt me and continue to hurt me, that my parents will understand, care, and have the skill to change their behavior towards me?
>
> 2. If I tell my parents how they have hurt me and continue to hurt me will that make me feel enough better so that if they *don't* change their behavior I will still be better off than I am now?
>
> 2.5. If it does make me feel better, then does the guilt I feel over their feelings at hearing what I have to say over shadow my better feelings? In other words, is it worth it?
>
> Since I'm not done with my own work yet, I can't show you that NOT confronting the parents can work, too. But I believe (at least for me) that it can.
>
> I would be interested in hearing about your therapy experiences. It sounds like they weren't very helpful to you.
>
> [As I read this it sounds like gobledygook, but I can't figure out how to fix the sentences. If it makes no sense, please say so and maybe tomorrow my brain will work better]
poster:Reva
thread:256589
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/257209.html