Posted by rnny on March 23, 2010, at 16:29:34
In reply to Re: Worrying about loved ones dying, posted by stormcatcher on February 8, 2010, at 4:59:44
I have had the issue throughout my life since my 20's. Fearing the death of someone and when I became a pet mom, fearing the death of my pets. I have cried buckets of tears. One time when I hadn't seen my mother in a while due to family estrangement I flew out of state to visit her. We went to a Chinese restaurant from theh airport and I started to cry at the table and said, "when you and dad die, is it OK if I don't come to the funeral"? What a thing to say or ask but she understood I was saying it in a grief stricken way. I didn't live in the same state as her and I hadn't seen her in a while. The family estrangement was no secret. It is a pathetic memory, a sad memory of a young woman lost. And it happened decades ago. When my dog who died in 1997 was old and I knew just by her age that death was imminent, I went into what is called "anticipatory grief". It is a very little known grief. There are times when you know someone you love will be dying and you are anticipating their death. The feelings you get then are as strong as if they WERE dead. It was so so so painful. After my dog died, I got in touch with the pain a decade later approximately and I thought I was doing to die. The pain I had inside was massively intense. I had held the pain in and when it surfaced it was like a bomb going off. I pray to God I never have to go through that again. Experiencing repressed grief. I was terrified and thought I was losing my mind. I almost wanted to end it all becuase what was happening to me was unbearable. I don't know if repressed grief is even a term but that is what I was dealing with. It was scary as heck. To be going through grief over a death that had taken place years before and not knowing what was happening to you. I have alot of grief over my parents divorce from when I was a teenager still and from my grandmother's death and the first family dog's death. I have alot of grief and sadness in me. Unable to share this pain as talking about such in our family was unheard of.