Psycho-Babble Grief | about grief, mourning, loss | Framed
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My Story

Posted by ironic on October 2, 2009, at 22:02:10

Hello, I just want to start out by telling you a little bit about myself. I am now a 33 yr. old female who never thought God would bless me with a child. When I was 16 yr. old I had a miscarriage. I was married to a man for 10 yrs. after, and never concieved. We got divorced, I will always feel that this was a part of our relationship coming to an end. I met a wonderful shortly after and within our first year I was pregnant. I was terrified that something awful would happen and I would lose the baby. Well, it is now 5 yrs. and God has blessed me with 2 beautiful healthy boys. During my second pregnancy, I began having episoded of fast heart rates, I just thought I was having panic attacks, so, I blew them off. Well, everything went fine with the baby. Then, got pregnant with #3. I continued having my so called panic attacks, and now they were more frequent, and stronger. So, I went to see my family docter. They sent me home with a Heart Monitor, I had to call in when I had episodes. Well, I had a vey bad episode! When I called it in, the man on the phone told me to le down and that the EMS was on the way. When they arrived they checked my vitals, my heart rate was 214 beats per minute. At the hospital they stopped my heart by injection,"which is not a pleasant feeling. They sent me to a Cardiologist, who sent me to an OB specialist. Upon arriving, they performed an ultrasound, they showed me the heart beating, the spine, ect. Then I was put in another room to await the Dr., when he came in he handed me a dvd of my ultrasound, and began shaking his head. He then told me that if I did not have an abortion, I would die. I wanted to punch him in the face. Then he tells me, I will have to find a clinic on my own, since he is affiliated with St. Vincents, which was another stab wound in my heart. I came home and tried making that call, when they answered, couldn't even speak, all I could was cry. Finally, I got the appt. made, I went to the clinic and had the procedure done, crying the whole time, and noone would even talk to me, the staff was very uncaring and cold. Aftewards, I could not sleep, I was so scared that I would not wake up for my boys if I did, I also felt I did not deserve rest, or any type of happiness. A few months went by, and I was still so depressed. Finally, I got put on an antidepressant, I was on it for a good yr, maybe a yr and a half. I recently talked to my Dr, and told her I just can't get over it. I cry most everyday. My heart is so broke, can't heal, do I even deserve to. She changed my antidepressant to a new one. I have been on it for 2 weeks today, and I am way worse than ever. I have cried over nothing and cried over eveything! My insided feel like they are shaking out of control. My Dr. is setting me up to see a new therapist, but its not until the end of this month. Am I supposed to feel worse? My first therapist told me I needed to go to a Catholic church and repent, I'm not catholic, I believe in God, but I don't go to church. She told me that since I have not put my 4 yr. old in preschool, that I am failing him as a mother and that I am holding him back to keep him in place of my precious baby I had to kill, well, abort, same thing in my heart. Which makes me feel horrible. I feel I deserve the heartache, the little comments from the therapist, and anything else that comes my way. Pleasa, someone tell me what to do, tell me where to go. My heart is crushed. I feel as if the real me is gone. What's next?




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