Posted by Quintal on November 14, 2008, at 18:38:30
It's been ten years today since my mother died. I can hardly believe so much time has passed. I haven't exactly done anything that would have made her proud in that time. It makes me wonder what my life would have been like if she'd been there to see me grow up. I was 15 when she was diagnosed and felt all grown up and worldly wise. I've just been looking through a diary I kept at that time. I can hardly imagine it is the same person.
"Mam was told cancer was terminal today. Came home and she cried as she was hanging up her coat. I'll never forget her face that day. We cried for ages. Grandma was upset, her eyes were red, but was pretending that everything was okay, concentrating on putting shopping away. I felt sick and had a headache. Felt ill. Wore off later on night. She told me to do the best for myself, always "You'll hear this little voice saying this years later and you'll think "Oh man, she's still at it!".
I don't know whether I have accepted it, or am just numb. Have an urge to just get on with life and pretend it isn't happening. Feel a bit guilty for this.