Posted by BarbaraCat on July 31, 2004, at 15:09:55
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on July 31, 2004, at 1:25:20
You are a huge support to me. Talking about all this is important in it's own right, but sharing it with someone who has been through so many similar mood challenges and knows how tough that makes everything has been extra important. It's hard to talk about this stuff with just about anyone.
What you're going through really sounds like PTSD. It seems like something very violent and wrenching happened that night and all those emotions got locked in. What you're describing about the physical sensations sounds very much like an overdose of adrenaline surge. Your poor adrenals are probably spasming. I've had some EMDR eye movement therapy. It helped when I was going through some vivid flashbacks of my childhood. You can do it to yourself when you're in overwhelm. It breaks the neural loop somehow. This is how I do it:
- Sit straight backed with your legs on the floor - like a chair. It helps to have some horizontal line of site, or two level targets that your eyes can focus back and forth on.
- You feel the feelings, see the images, whatever's going on, and while this is going on tap your thighs with your middle and index fingers and, with your head straight, move your eyes right and left along with the thigh taps. Look right while tapping the right thigh, etc.
- The tempo is as if you're saying 'I am breathe-ing' (helps you remember to breath also). But just get into the rhythm without continuing to think it, you don't want your head to block out what you're feeling.
- You do this for about a minute, fully experiencing what's up, then stop and gauge where you're at. You might rate how you're feeling on a 1-10 scale. This somtimes seems to clinical for me, I'll just think 'better', 'worse', 'gone', whatever. Perhaps a new emotion will arise. Do it again for a minute and stop and keep doing this until you feel more settled.
It's helped me alot and seems to break the loop that the limbic center is trying to gouge in the brain circuits. Sometimes those triggers just disolve. It's really important to nip PTSD in the bud if you can.
As for me, oh gad, I was up at 4am on my way to the emergency animal hospital this morning. Our little girl kitty, Shashee, was in severe respiritory distress. Her xrays show that she might have a heart condition and the prognosis is 6-12 months. She's in an oxygen chamber til tomorrow.
On the way home, I felt very still, almost accepting of this new thing which will surely bring fresh trauma and new grief into our lives. She and Merlin were so close and I can't help but think that she wants to follow him. We, however, would like to have her furry little presence around.
I don't know if I'm numb, in shock, or if something has shifted around my terror of death and loss. I got smacked upside the head with these issues lately, how I've been desperately running from the pain and fear of loss my whole life. The worst part is the doubt that there's any point to all this suffering, basically that life's a bitch and then you die and there's nothing after that. I got to see this so clearly and how it's been running my life. I can speak the language of spirituality and metaphysics from being on the path for so many years. I didn't realize that there was this huge part that basically thought it was all a bunch of romanticized hooey. This nihilistic part was running the show and causing a lot of despair and terror. I've been so afraid of feeling it, afraid of the fear. It came up crystal clear during this seige with Merlin and my own health issues (Stevens Johnson Syndrome in April). I bought a bunch of books at Powell's (when I had that hit about you) on death and the afterlife, people's experience with grieving, etc., and they are really helping alot.
Yesterday, I woke from a nap and was gripped with an intense visceral physical feeling of constriction around my gut, heart and throat. It was like a vice or a ball of heavy dense squeezing energy. It's 'the feeling' that I've been so afraid of feeling, so worried that if I let it in it would consume me, wrench me apart, and for what, what's the point? But there it was in its fullness, caught me unawares fresh from a nap. So I just said to it 'I'm going to be here with you and let you in, even if it kills me. I will not run from you any more'. It just grew and expanded and then I felt I could take it, I could take anything. Something shifted. So I'm feeling something like peace underneath the worry and sadness. But then again, it might just be shock.
Back to you. One other thing - go to a health food store and get a homeopathic remedy for grief: Ignatia 30C strength, and take 5 pellets every 2 hours. It really helps to break the energetic pattern of grief that can get locked in. If you can get a stronger dose, like 200C, that would be good, but most stores don't carry higher doses. While you're there, get some Siberian ginseng, which helps the adrenals and to withstand stress. Don't get the Korean or Panax - too strong for right now.
If I were you, I'd also get some benzos to help during this time. I recently got oxazepam, or Serax, which is in the Ativan family. It's very mild and doesn't impair anything but helps to smooth things out. I can't say anything about raising the Paxil since my own experiences with it weren't good, but you definitely might need something to blunt this trauma.
My husband just said something (BTW, I've been sharing with him your story cause he had a beloved pit-bull. He sends you his care and concern). He said it sounds like the fear energy during this intense trauma might have entered your energy field. It might be good to command that energy to leave, tell it to go to the Light, and envision that sticky glommy stuff being washed out of your aura by a shower of sparkling pure Light and that dense stuff going back to it's benign universal source. Do this many times. If that fails, here's where a good Shaman comes in handy.
I'll let you know of Shashee's condition as soon as I know. This is just so weird. - Barbara