Psycho-Babble Grief | about grief, mourning, loss | Framed
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Re: Merlin and Rock » BarbaraCat

Posted by katia on July 29, 2004, at 14:22:13

In reply to Merlin and Rock » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on July 29, 2004, at 11:36:29

Hi Barbara,
I sort am telling it piece by piece. He was so special; I feel sometimes "why did I do it?". but I know i did the right thing. I know it. He's even told me so.

I have dreams all the time. One night right after it happened, I had a dream where he came and let me know I did the right thing. You know I just bought a house and he was the neighbor's terribly neglected dog who came over to visit (he was with this family at the beginning and they just used him for meat - blue ribbon and then studded him out until they had no more use for him. They gave him away and that's when he had the bad time. Finally they retrieved him out of that, but then just put him in a small corner of a dirty yard to live, until me). One thing led to another and he became my dog completely - never going over there anymore. Dogs are pack animals - to ostracize them is one of the worst punishments). The previous owner of this house left this ugly flowery love seat and so I put it out back for the time being until i could decide what to do with it. Well, no time at all passed and it was Rock's outdoor lounger. And then we would sit on the loveseat together and I would read and he would try as hard as he could to get his entire rock solid 72lb body on my little lap! In the end, just his shoulders and head would fit. And he would just let his weight fall into me and it felt so nice and complete. He'd look up at me backwards and he looked like a little alligator "my baby gator" and would never let me stop cuddling or petting or touching him. He also had a purr like a cat whenever he felt affectionately happy. It was so cute. In the dream, we were on the love seat like that I felt so complete with him laying in my lap petting him and cooing at him. In the dream I couldn't remember why I let him go and then he reminded me. that I did the right thing.

These are more or less his words below that was channeled through Cathy. He felt very damaged - damaged goods. He didn't want to infect me with this darkness. He couldn't change what happened to him and he never wanted to fight. They ruined his innocent puppy self and he couldn't go back. He described that first fight he was in at Petsmart in such a way that he was hovering above his body as though something else took over. He was taken over by his "demons". He was very dog aggressive and he couldn't control it. He said that he'd rather die than live in a kennel anywhere and I promised him that he would never go back to the bad men. In the end, his demons were too big for either of us to handle. By putting him to rest in this life, I helped him release those demons and also provide unconditional love. He said it meant everything to him that I knew his story and understood, but still loved him the same and accepted him and didn't blame him for it. He felt incredible remorse for fighting other dogs; he never wanted to. But it also damamged and ruined him.
The only thing I see is his pure self. The puppy self. For that is really what he is. He's not a product of man's destruction, but pure puppy love. He won't be blamed by me for what men did to him.
I can't tell you how saddened I am that he had to live one second in any pain.
Katia


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poster:katia thread:371461
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