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Having trouble meditating- Buddhist guilt

Posted by llrrrpp on June 23, 2006, at 20:01:00

I feel like a bad Buddhist lately. I haven't been taking life, but I've been having many angry thoughts. I cannot get my mind under control using Vipassana Meditation. My most frequent attempt was very frustrating. Every time I tried to focus on the breath, I had profound sensory (hallucinations?) that my body was taking up huge amounts of space. That my being was gigantic. I could not keep my eyes still. These kinesthetic sensations were so disturbing. I know that I should meditate on the emotions that they arouse. Why are they disturbing? I think they disturb me because I see them as a sign of medication. I have poisoned my being. My body. My soul.

I feel profound guilt, which is not in keeping with the way I would like to experience Buddhism. I feel guilty that I cannot practice meditation regularly. That I do not have the discipline to keep my body pure, and that I indulge in sensory pleasure (sorbet -grin-) in an effort to keep my 'self' under control.

I feel that my psychologist has caused me to think about my 'self' in a way that is at odds with my faith. I hope I can readjust my 'self' when I am recovered/remitted and move it back in to a place where it is more covert, less individual, and more organically related to my community. Where my 'self' is less about the things I do, the choices I make and the things that happen to me, and where I can realize that my self is part of the universe.

Somethings I have been doing well. I think I have been more open-minded and less prejudiced since initiating treatment for depression, certainly since learning about so many diverse people and diverse struggles on psycho-babble. I feel I have helped many, or at least tried my best, and that is not only a good feeling, but increases the good in the community and the world.

But I also feel some regret that my mind so often turns to the dark side, and I think of sordid and rotten things, even from the innocents. I hope that I can stay strong and resist these temptations to act and create negative consequences.

Has anyone else (of any faith or non-faith) ever had similar regrets?

thanks for listening to me,




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