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Christianity and me, maybe harsh.

Posted by James K on February 9, 2006, at 2:52:21

The reason I am writing this, is because it is something I am going to have to deal with. As I attempt recovery, I keep running into this wall, and that wall is christianity and the fact that I was raised in it.

I want to get well without dealing with this huge problem, and then deal with it later. Here is part of the problem. My family were influenced by a preacher who was maybe extreme and out of control. We eventually kicked him out of our church leading to a split, and a long time of extreme tension. This was all happening in my early to mid teens.

I believed for real. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and meant it. I know and studied the bible and have great respect for it and true followers of christianity. But at an impressionable age, as my personal world was crumbling around me with drugs sex and alcohol and rock n roll and violence and social misfitism, I was still attending church 3 times a week. I still believed, and I was hearing hate preached from the pulpit. The details don't matter, but it was out of line with what I now believe to be true.

The problem is I rejected God. I still believed in Him, and I told him f*ck you. And I was willing to go to hell. And I'd never cry Lord Lord don't you know me, because he knows me and I told him NO. So, if someone might wonder why i treat myself like nothing, it's because i already came to grips with eternal nothingness and suffering like so many other people who were on this planet.

I turned my back on my art talent, education, my parents, and God. I walked right away and didn't look back. I refuse to look back. I took Oaths. Why would someone who doesn't care, care about an oath he took?

How do I get well when eventually we get to this ugly spot in the middle of it all. I don't need answers, I just need to put the question out of my head and onto somewhere else. I don't want to be a Christian. I think I live more like one than many who claim the name. I don't have another spirituality though. I've done well believing in nature, humanity and science. Child protection and domestic violence prevention are good enough for me. for now. If you read this, please understand I am forcing myself to think about things I don't think about. Because I am going to go into a hospital very soon, and decide what it is that I think life is supposed to be. Sobriety isn't enough. 12 steps aren't enough. Old time religion isn't enough. Can I let go of a hate of something I don't even think is real, but can't deny? I think too much. that is why so much of my life has been devoted to not thinking.

So once again, I'm asking those of you who are strong in your faith(s) to reach out somehow. For the peace and serenity I'm going to be needing.

thank you,
James k




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