Posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 5, 2004, at 10:23:25
In reply to Does God test you?, posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 2, 2004, at 18:12:01
I wish I had some profound story I could share with everyone. And I feel my situation is so very trivial but I shall share anyway. I feel as if this "test" if that is what it is, is an actual test of what I have been working on in therapy all year.
One of the biggest "rational" thoughts I have had trouble accepting is that my self-worth is not determined by achievement. Also, I have never known how to express anger. I have always felt anger was wrong and I become fearful when I encounter it, whether it's directed at me or not. In fact, usually when I'm angry, I cry. I've also been working on being assertive and expressing my needs. And finally, I find it hard to accept that life is not fair. I have been working on all of these things for 12 months now and have made significant strides.
So a month ago, I got what I would term the "perfect" job for me. Working as the head fundraiser for the University where I currently work in its newly created School of World Studies. I would be raising money for everything I believe in - International relations, foreign languages, religious studies, even raising money for the French Film Festival.
Prior to getting the job, I thought I failed miserably at the interview and even had a panic attack of sorts which lasted a couple of days. I worked hard in those days about not comparing myself to others, about not basing my value as a person on my job or my material possessions, or my professional achievement.
When I got the job, I was of course elated, but a little fearful at the same time as I really never BELIEVED that I couldn't base my self worth on my achievements. But you know what? I never had to think about that again, becuase I had achieved! I felt fantastic! But I knew in the back of my mind that I had not truly believed and accepted the above principle.
So last Friday I was told that the Interim Dean of the University's College of Humanities and Sciences has decided that this new position is indeed NOT needed, that he couldn't justify hiring a fundraiser when he couldn't hire additional faculty members. Needless to say, I was crushed.
So now I am having to use all of the skills I have learned over the past year. Of course I 'm completely mad. But I STILL can't show it. All I do is cry and act like everything is fine. I'm mad at the unprofessionalism, I'm mad at this interim Dean, I'm mad at everyone who didn't fight for me. And this confirms that life is not fair. Is God SHOWING me life is not fair? IS God MAKING me face the issue that self-worth has nothing to do with achievement? Is God making me face my demons?
I would normally NEVER think this way. But something came over me on Saturday where I felt absolutely certain that I was being purposefully tested by God. Does he perhaps know that my acceptance of certain things is necessary for my future mental health and survival?
I am working harder than ever now on my rational beliefs and thinking skills, harder than I have worked all year. And in many ways this is a good thing. But I am still heartbroken.
So I suppose I am calling this is a test from God in order to lend these series of events more weight, to make it seem less random and dumb luckish and more of a divine plan for my life.
I realize how stupid and insignificant this whole situation is. I have my health, I have a good job, I have a great husband. I am in no way complaining. I just wonder if indeed I am being tested as I feel I am. Or would God care about something so trivial? I realize I am not trivial in God's eyes however, but there are so many more things to worry about. Many more people who are much worse off than I. I suppose I wonder why he would pay attention to me when there are wars going on and people dying from disease etc.
Stupid, stupid post. I'm sorry all.
poster:Miss Honeychurch
thread:398343
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20040914/msgs/399127.html