Posted by Dinah on November 10, 2002, at 10:33:16
I have suddenly got the notion that it is somehow wrong to go to church each week when somewhere in the back of my mind is the idea that someday I will kill myself. That someday the psychological demands and stresses on me will outstrip my ability to cope and suicide will be the most logical solution.
It seems so ungrateful to God for all the wonderful things He has given me. I have so much to be thankful for, and so little to be sad about. And I'm just not as grateful as I should be.
So I go to church and squirm and feel a sense of unease rather than one of peace.
I can't talk to my pastor about it. I fear he is not the most discreet man on earth, although he is an excellent theologian and has many fine qualities.
Just venting a bit, I suppose. Nothing much to be done about it. I can't/won't take away the escape hatch of suicide from myself. And asking for forgiveness seems wrong when I'm unwilling to change my sin.