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Scared of my body.

Posted by Cal on October 7, 2008, at 6:30:20

I've never ever posted in an ED forum before...but I've just finally realised that there must be something more going on within me then just the desire to appear slim I fat? Oh gosh, I struggle to say yes and want to come out with all kinds of excuses for what I am but yes I am overweight..I'm 5ft 6 and weight about 14stone I guess or perhaps 13 :-(

When ever I got to buy clothes I hate it, detest it, to me its just a reminder of something I would rather forget and thats that sometimes things don't fit me...Man do I hate that moment, the moment when the item won't do heart starts to go into panic mode...but why??? today is the first time I sat down adn tried to understand whats going on here..I mean i'm 45 now its about time I sorted this out...I went through a time about 6yrs ago when I lost 4stone, I was an active drug addict then but am not clean and on medication that increases my apptite, but thats by the by..this feeling of fear when something doesn't fit has always been with I remembered when I was about 12 nothing seemed to fit me and I remember my mother saying that I was at "that age"..the inbetween stage where nothing fits..she didn't seem to have much infusism for buying me clothes and often would send me along with the money to get whatever it was I urgently needed and that was very fearful for me having to go to a shop and approach the counter and ask the stranger behind the counter for something and i never seemed to know what size I should be asking for..that seemed to something other people knew instantly but for me it was like something that no one ever talked about...the fear even thinking about trying something on and the moment just before the moment when the buttons don't reach is awful!!..oh my god, it just feels like its been comfirmed I am the most wierdest, fattist person in the world...that the item I try on suddenly becomes something incredibliy dangerous, suddenly I have no control, this thing has all the control and its laughing and mocking me...I'm afriad of it, I feel powerless...its like monster to me...and then I go up into my head and I donl't even know what a body is...surely this isn't connected to me in anyway...this sudden frightening thing of having tried something new and unknown on and only to find it wont do what I so need it to do...does anyone else experience this???




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