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Re: Dissociative Mom :-( muffled

Posted by Dinah on September 8, 2007, at 23:23:13

In reply to Dissociative Mom :-(, posted by muffled on September 7, 2007, at 22:57:14

Muffled, we all find ways to screw up our kids somehow. I was absolutely determined not to make the same mistakes my mother did with me. I read every book, and parented by those books. My husband would say he could see me flipping through the pages in my mind, looking for the problem at hand.

So I managed to be the fake mom. The one pretending to be someone she wasn't. The mom always a step apart, never as real and connected as I wanted to be. I was consistent. I was fair and reasonable and calm. But all I ended up doing was making different mistakes.

I'm not sure if getting a job to pay for therapy for them is the best choice, if getting a job would add to your stress. Does your area have a parenting center or anything of that sort? You might want to check your phone book. Ours has one that not only has drop in times and mothers support groups, but also a couple of social workers on hand. They are more than happy to consult, and if longer term therapy is needed to recommend resources within the means of the family.

Other than that, all I can say is that love is a verb. Keep doing your best to love them, and teach them and care for them as best you can, and you'll have done as much as any of us can do.

And take care of yourself as best you can so that you can take care of them.

Will they end up in therapy one day talking about you? It's not unlikely. I know mine will. :)

About temperament... Perhaps I emphasize nature over nurture because of my experience with dogs. I've seen too many examples of dogs that never knew their father yet ended up having the most unusual and unexpected things in common. I always think that temperament is inborn but expression of temperament is influenced by the environment.

That makes it even more important to find out as much as you can about parenting a kid with your kid's basic temperament. There are some books out there. I think one may be called "The Challenging Child" and I'm sure there are others. Our parenting center was really helpful in that regard as well.

Ah heck. There I go with the books again.

 

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