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Dissociative Mom :-(

Posted by muffled on September 7, 2007, at 22:57:14

In reply to Narcissitic son, posted by muffled on September 7, 2007, at 22:17:51

I re-read my post.
Its not that there's something wrong with HIM.
Its that I have messed him up.
I'm inconsistant and changeable.
In that important stage of life when he was younger, I would get out of control.
He may be somewhat retreating naturally, but I finished it off.
He would have liked, he NEEDED consistacy and schedualing, and I knew it, but was unable to DO it.
Sometimes I am MOM.
Sometimes I am like a teen.
Sometimes I cuss and swear.
Sometimes I crack down on stuff.
Sometimes I just let it go. Oftentimes.
Sometimes I act really nutty.
Sometimes I try and teach him bout stuff.
Sometimes I go too far.
Sometimes I don't go far enuf.
Sometimes I am engaged with my kids.
Sometimes I am so far away....they can't find me :-(
I am TRYING to do a good job. But I have screwed up SO much.
I think I have, I KNOW I have damaged my kids. And I STILL am, by not giving them what they need.
I do a little better all the time, but its SO SLOW, and they grow SO FAST.
And do I get a job so that I can send my kid(s) to T? Or do I just keep trying to be there for them as best I can? Getting involved at their school and all that.
My daughter gets afraid(she's 8), that when I go away, I might not come back :-(
Cuz I USED to run away sometimes when everything would get to be too much, and I suspect my hubby(whom I love) proly said some dumb things to the kids in anger at me running away. I would only usu stay away 1 night, or just come home late. But I guess with my hubbys comments and their disconnected Mom, it musta freaked them.
Everybody tries to say I am a good Mom, but I am NOT.
Don't b*llshit me.
I HAVE hurt my kids.




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