Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2019, at 12:31:48

that gnawing feeling...

i don't know what is going to happen with me.

depression is apparently when you think that things are permanent, but really things are only temporary.

what is it called when you realise tha the things you thought were only temporary are actually probably going to be permanent?

i saw this little article in the newspaper. probably totally bogus. about an orthopedic surgeon in india who was refusing to eat until some law was changed with respects to medical education.

i guess that's something that can be done. stop eating in protest. that is something that people have done in protest. it's a thing that is nice in the sense that it does give people time to respond. you wait 20 days for this and you wait 20 days for... hmm... better look that up...

as opposed to setting yourself on fire, i mean. where there's no going back.

i'm not suicidal, exactly. but politically minded.

i don't know that my thesis will be passed. the university seems to have been taken over by... the same sort of mindset i found at primary school. the same sort of mindset that there was out at Tamaki. hierarchical squabbling seems to be it. they were excited special kudos for them in attracting such a bright seeming student (me). mostly... because of the fun and games they will have with stabotaging her career if they can possibly get away with it.

they have a thing or two to teach me, that's for sure.

and it seems to be that i am not allowed to work to time. i must work at the pace others allow me to work at. because i must stop and wait for others do to crucial and necessary things that they must do. and i must be patient. so, for example, if my supervisor decides she would like to have a month holiday or whatever then off she goes and there will be no imput from her over the month. which wouldn't matter at all, but when she comes back she decides to be all hands-on and refuses to sign things off until she's taken however many weeks to read things at her very own special working pace...

i understand it's supposed to be a lesson to me in how i have to make people want to help me.

only... i don't want to interact with people who decide to be obstructive / who decide that kudos for them takes priority over all else. i just do not deal with those kinds of people.

uncooperative people. basically.

my thesis is done. but i don't know that they will sign off on it.

it gets to the point where it is like 'do x' and you do x because they said and you want them to sign off on it. otherwise you have to say 'i don't think i should do x because of whatever...' but if your supervisor decides to work slooooooowly... what are you going to do about it?

i guess it comes back to whether the university does get money or something for submitted theses. whether there is any incentive at all for them to accept them.

i mean... i was working to a tight timeline. i had the timeline. i provided the timeline. my supervisor didn't work in a timely fashion. so... it's done.

she can say now 'send me a chapter and i'll see if i can sign off' -- but that's a bit late. that's what she should have said in December. But in December she was all 'it's too haaaaaaaaard' (because she wanted a break over Christmas and we must always work at the pace of the slowest!)

so... they get the hardcopy and they keep it, or they fail me. i guess that's the way of it.

and if they fail me then i appeal that.

i have learned about the ombudsman. apparently nz has one. you can complaint to the ombudsman about the conduct of government people / government departments including our public universities.

i guess... i guess my med application... the way things turned out there... and with my thesis too, i guess, it was a way of teaching me / me coming to learn about that process. law is a bit weird / counter-intuitive sometimes. what counts as legal reason. for example, it has to be that they made a decision against policy. for review of decision. but i think appeal of decision can be about manifestly false (e.g., if they fail my thesis).


i was reading about the role of the ombudsman and things sounded pretty good.

the idea being to try and work with / mediate with parties and developed the adminsitrative policies for a fairer system. that seemed to be it. anyway... the vc at one of the unis... well... lets just say that in returnign to nz i can count the number of... what i would consider to be... upstanding persons of good conduct... on one hand. he seemed to be the real deal, actually. in what little i saw... but genuinely appropriately professional in conduct... anyway... maybe there is some kind of hope for me...

the thesis thing, too. the uni did not do what the calendar said they should -- but they should probably revise what the calendar says they should do because they lack the capacity to do what the calendar says they should. at least... that is the way that other universities in nz have resolved the issue. my supervisor should never have agreed to supervise me. i didn't realise that the whole thing about graduate student research is that it is just writing up and down and revising everything into what your supervisor approves of your saying.

only nz has freedom of speech and critic and conscience of society enshrined in our education act.

so my thesis... i should be allowed to say things in my thesis.

and just because my supervisor doesn't like it or doesnt' approve or it or doesn't agree with it... doesn't mean my thesis should be failed...

or... as she seems to think is the case... t hat you just drag out 'not accepted' indefinately...

which is why submitting it in hardcopy is the thing.

because then they either accept it or they fail it.

only... i thought that was the case with the softbound for examination (that is in fact what the calendar says) but tehy just made up their own outcome of assessment which is basically 'go away and keep working on it'. which... isn't an outcome at all. then when i pushed them to actually deliver an outcome they said 'pay us more fees by teh 10th' which, uh, unfortunately, kinda sorta looks like extortion.

i just wnat to be a ... doctors doctor. i can't function in thier environment. they won't actually let me. all you get to do is mirror back to them... them. on their time.

i have to give up my house.

move back up north.

back to a cheap motel... indefinately... where the initial stages of things could possibly be people trying to force me to move into / accept something grossly unsuitable... boarding houses... living with people fresh out of jail... looking after the otherwise unsupervised children...

we don't like gdp in this country.


wish me luck.

nobody can say that i didn't do everything in my power for things to come through for me this year.

and however many years into the past...

awful country.




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