Posted by brynb on January 16, 2013, at 9:26:32
hi babble friends-
first, i want to say how thankful i am to have this community. i know many of you think it's gone downhill, but i find it very helpful, and have made some great connections w/ compassionate people (many who don't post anymore but still visit the site).
i was back in the hospital again two days ago and just got back. so i spent the last week hospitalized feeling more physically ill than i've ever been (except for a trip to egypt in 2000) only to get no diagnosis. well, the dx was that my psych meds have made me ill, and that was made through process of elimination. after coming home on sat, i became really dehydrated and was back in the hospital over the last two days. everything is a bloody mess and i'm crying as i write this. i'm just so sad.
my tx of 3 weeks dumped me yesterday via a text message. she thinks i'm too sick and that my life is in too much turmoil for her to deal with me. um, isn't that what her job is about? she wants me to do an intensive outpatient program. i think she should just f*ck off. (sorry i sound so angry, i'm just at the end of my rope.)
my pdoc is in limbo with me. i haven't been on any of my psych drugs since fri/sat because i've been so sick and was vomiting literally every half hour and couldn't keep anything down. all of my medical doctors (from the hospital and out of the hospital) think the reason why i'm having so many physical ailments and have been so ill is due to my psychotropic drugs (pretty much by process of elimination), so even though my pdoc doesn't agree w/ them, he wants me to discontinue everything and do a washout (which I technically have been doing anyway since I haven't taken anything since saturday due to being sick.). not to mention that's not how you do a "washout;" how the hell am i supposed to keep it together when i've abruptly stopped all meds? well, that's how it's happening since i had to stop after not being able to keep anything down.
my pdoc did say he would help me w/ disability, but it kinda sounds like he's dumping me too and also wants me to go to an inpatient or outpatient program. all of this only confirms my belief that these psych "experts" know jack sh*t about psychiatry and we might as well be living in the medieval times. sorry to ramble and sound so angry; i'm so sick, sad, defeated and done. i don't want to die but i don't want to live (not like this). i have no support. my family is sick of me being sick, unsupportive and don't understand.
thanks if you read this...i know i sound like a ranting lunatic, but i've been pushed to my limit.