Posted by b2chica on August 29, 2012, at 15:48:31
is the severeity of depressino rated by the duration or the deepness of it?
because i seem to have a day or two here and there that SUCK. today is the worst inlong time. but other days i am fine. yes i had psychological issues going on. husband and i are having problems that he doesnt even notice.
my T now only sees patients on saturdays. as does my pdo..
pdoc doesnt want to listen to my crap. nothing medical that can probablyl be done except euthenasia (only partly joiking)
have 2400mb gabapentin
haveing visual oddities for last few days.
extreme sensitive hearing. started wearing earrplugs last night for sleep.
i just need someone to listen.
someone to give half a crap.
some one to hug me, telling me i'll beo k.
someone to say...i made a difference in theirlife
someone to say...they would miss me if i died.
i'm so invisible in this life.
invisilbe at work
invisible at home
invisible at churh...keep getting called wrong name, offer to volunteer, have yet to get a phone call.
all i do is cook, clean, get put in my place by my boss at work, get bitched out for spending money whether its $30 or $3. if i pay bills i get yelled out for 'needless spending' ...
i cant take getting kicked in the morning to get woken up with yelling tellimg me to shut the damn alarm off and get the f*ck up.
i grewu up bad circumstances, but all i wished for my kids was a good home, good food and NO yelling...no yelling...no yelling. so far that's all they've lived with. i Hate this. i just want a marriage that is a partnership, give and take. no put downs, no screaming about $3 expenses. no more hating EVERYTHING i like, and put downs to my friends, my work, my 'accomplishments'. and most of all my intelligence. my t and pdoc say i'm very intelligent...after 7 years therapy i finally believe them and am trying to express this especially in front of my children...i think DH is insecure, he berrates me for using..."fancy useless words" and to 'talk normal'.
for a while i was translating in my head, how to talk at work, at home with kids, with husband and with certain relation and with friends.
as you might think this burnt me out. now i'm focusing on work and home translations. i think i'm ok with kids. i do higher level vocabuolary, but i still adapt little if dennis is in ear shot.
i'm ready to die.
i'm suffacating. but i cant....wont leave. i am a GOOD wife. i know that i am. i've never cheated. i cook and clean, i TotALLY take care of our two chidlren. i take care of ALL paperwork, even end of year taxes for both us and our self business.
i want to suffocate. i'm not safe. buti dont feel its hospital time. ina way i do. but not now.
i have a birthday party to plan in sept. maybe i'll make an attempt after that.
i need to write paperwork to get things in line., i have time for that.
note where all financials are
my work status for my bosses so they know where ive left off.
letters to friends.
and i will note here, before it comes to this.
you are and always have been the one place i feel i most belong. ..
thats all ive ever really wanted in life. to belong somewhere.
God help me.
thing is i know ny state will change tomorrow.
if it doesnt i will execute my plan. otherwise it will be put on back burner.
remember i will write a final not on here so that all you know what happend. not that alot of you know me anyway. ... or care.
i think you care because my name pops up once and a while.
isnt' that sad. the people i listen to most, and read all the time, dont even really know me. yet i feel most connected to you.
i just burn for connection.
ok i've writtento much and my eyes just cant see anymore. too bad i have to drive now. gee that d be shame.
i'll try to write badk tojorrw.
by my friends.
sorry to trigger anyone. that makes me sadder if ido that.
i cantleave. i dont want togo home. i dont want to get screamed at, bitched at, put down for not doing all the laundry, dishes, play with kids. take care of homework. pointless payment to healthy club that i rarely use (cuz i cant wake my *ss up in the morning to use it) and i have no time at work at bed time for girls seems to take an hour from 8 to 9. then i'm fricken exhausted from non stop work from the time i get OFF work to when i pick up kids and go home to fix dinner feed kids, play pick up toys, bed time routine, teeth, potty, story, sleep.
ah sleep i want to not wake up.
"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."