Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | List of forums | Search | FAQ

happiness' impervious barrier

Posted by b2chica on June 7, 2012, at 15:27:56

i have decided that happiness is an unobtainable goal for me.
i've given up hope as my pdoc is assured that my issue is psychological, well, i will always have a crappy job (if one at all), my girlfriend will most likely always have self-esteem issues that i will help her with, my memories of abuse will continue. so yes its true. i suck, and my life sucks wind because of my environment. but my environment wont change.
and honestly i dont think it all effects me that deeply. i dont care if i loose my job, ill just apply for disability. i dont care if my friend gets stuck with a loser boyfriend, its her life not mine. i know my DH can be a d*ck. i married him...i know this. but he has good days too.

i cant get my head above water and my pdoc doesnt seem to want to try any other meds.
i'm tired of trying with him.
i just met with T. i told her how i was feeling, and she kept saying to that life is what i make it. well i try. i'm doing everything people say, trying to eat right, trying to get outside everyday, trying to exercise everyday, trying to distract myself with little hobbies.
i'm doing it all....
and i still dont care
i still struggle to get out of bed, always wanting to crawl back in.
i still struggle to put on my 'happy face' for everyone around. cuz their sick of me saying "i'm tired" or God forbid i actually say i'm feeling depressed.

i want to take all my pills, but i'll probably convulse, throw up on myself and have to clean all that up. probably break an arm in the process.

i can feel happiness near me, i know when my children are playing in the sprinkler laughing with the sun on them that its the most beautiful thing, yet my heart feels a barrier around it, that i know happiness is near, that i'm pretending to feel it but it doesnt sink in. i dont truly feel it.

maybe all happiness is a ruse

i give up.

"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."
Theodore Roethke




Post a new follow-up

Your message only Include above post

Notify the administrators

They will then review this post with the posting guidelines in mind.

To contact them about something other than this post, please use this form instead.


Start a new thread

Google www
Search options and examples
[amazon] for

This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | FAQ
Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:b2chica thread:1019410