Posted by b2chica on June 7, 2012, at 15:27:56
i have decided that happiness is an unobtainable goal for me.
i've given up hope as my pdoc is assured that my issue is psychological, well, i will always have a crappy job (if one at all), my girlfriend will most likely always have self-esteem issues that i will help her with, my memories of abuse will continue. so yes its true. i suck, and my life sucks wind because of my environment. but my environment wont change.
and honestly i dont think it all effects me that deeply. i dont care if i loose my job, ill just apply for disability. i dont care if my friend gets stuck with a loser boyfriend, its her life not mine. i know my DH can be a d*ck. i married him...i know this. but he has good days too.
i cant get my head above water and my pdoc doesnt seem to want to try any other meds.
i'm tired of trying with him.
i just met with T. i told her how i was feeling, and she kept saying to that life is what i make it. well i try. i'm doing everything people say, trying to eat right, trying to get outside everyday, trying to exercise everyday, trying to distract myself with little hobbies.
i'm doing it all....
and i still dont care
i still struggle to get out of bed, always wanting to crawl back in.
i still struggle to put on my 'happy face' for everyone around. cuz their sick of me saying "i'm tired" or God forbid i actually say i'm feeling depressed.
i want to take all my pills, but i'll probably convulse, throw up on myself and have to clean all that up. probably break an arm in the process.
i can feel happiness near me, i know when my children are playing in the sprinkler laughing with the sun on them that its the most beautiful thing, yet my heart feels a barrier around it, that i know happiness is near, that i'm pretending to feel it but it doesnt sink in. i dont truly feel it.
maybe all happiness is a ruse
i give up.
"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."