Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on April 19, 2012, at 0:42:00
I have to tell what has been going on. And I cannot just sit here and be stuck in my head and frozen and have no association with the real world. I am isolating myself to not have to deal with fear and humilation from other that view me as an idiot. Its vary painful when I have a conversation that sometimes I will not understand the full concept of it, and then people look at me, and I know they have thoughts of dislike. I can't descibe the horrible feeling of humilation that I will get when I am around witty, fast minded people. I sit and think how much I want to have the joy of conversation and laughter with people and its like I can't reach through this window into the world of social life. I do have skills but I use them only when I have too, I usally talk in a vary childlike manner and not make a point and will go off on rabbit trails that make it seem that I have no direction in my thoughts.
I have been in remorse because I desire so badly to be a part of people having a good time, but I know people will leave. People have flattered me with thier words and then act like they never said any thing to me, and avoid me. Usally I avoid these people, and act like I don't know them either. But these social difficulties are causing much of my depression to get worse, resulting in desperation to get help from spiritual entities. I've been doing studying from the Urantia book and it speaks about "thought adjusters" that will guide you and help you. Now, I have stated this before, but when I was out of my mind a couple weeks ago, Lucifer came into my mind, and told me that he read my letters of distress to the arcangels and God. There's this place in between my eyebrows that feels like it has pressure on it, I did some research and this is called The Pineal Gland and its also known as the 3rd eye, and it vibrates when I am feeling a presence.
Now this, is so crazy and it sounds vary much like a made up fantasy, and you know I do really want to make sure that this is my mind just playing games with me. But, I hate this reality I am in, and in desperation that why I choose to find other beings that could help in my thoughts. You know, I was watching some christain tv, and there was this interview with someone who had a dream of going to the underworld and he descibed it the most hellish danmation that ever existed, and I realized if I continue to think in this confusion and not accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior that I will be placed in this. I already do believe, but I tend to think about other things and I am not making the lord the lord my life, and I have told no one this because they would not understand. I just want to wake up and not have to deal with all these problems, forget all the spiritual sh*t and cast down my loathed imagination and live normally. Anyways, I am in the process of telling my doctor this but if I mention anything about thought adjusters and them knowing what I am thinking, my diagnosis would be under speculation of psychotic,and schizophreia tendencies. I do not have problems with that, the reason Im expierincing this is because I opened my mind to hear things in desperation to relieve myself of this distress.
Anyways, I am sure I'm going to regret writing this but I have to vent my true thoughts somewhere. Not really any medication is going to help this. I have been on Zyprexa and it lost its effectivness, there's something wrong with my digestive absorbation, or something is just not working right because I can't tell a diffrence when I take medication.
Anyways, I am really in distress and I choose this helpless mindstate, I need to deprogram it and follow my original beliefs in God. That's all, Much Love,