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Maybe this is as good as it gets...

Posted by mellow on August 12, 2011, at 22:46:27

Sorry for the long post, but this is where I come when I feel like I've worn out my family and friends.

Lately I haven't been feeling well. My wife and therapist are quick to tell me that my life looks great on the outside, but they don't live in my head. I was hypomanic in February and it was a really slow build. I had 3 great months and made some very positive decisions even if I was extremely busy and goal directed. I got back into college part time. I had a lot of fun over the holidays and my friends and family commented on how great I looked. One old friend even said I seemed less insecure and more confident like I had had a breakthrough. Anyhow much of that faded as I crashed in a mixed episode as always and I just can't seem to get back up to baseline...if there is such a thing. I never feel quite right.

I feel like a loser for taking pills. It makes me feel like I'm just a drug addict going in and out of my pdoc's office doing polypharmacy, but I am seriously concerned about my health. I've been having really terrible intrusive thoughts. Horrible aggressive thoughts that I want out of my head immediately. They aren't in my nature at all and the more I try and suppress them the more they dominate me. Some people call it Pure O or purely obsessional OCD. They are terrible thoughts in addition to the constant ruminating about if I am truly happy, in the right career, in love with my wife etc. It's all ridiculous stuff that is irrational. I have a good life.

It is terrible because I know I have a great life and that is what makes me feel crazier. I wish no one would have ever told me I was mentally ill. Maybe I wouldn't constantly feel odd and like I have this dirty secret...like I will never measure up. Other than working shift work I am doing everything right. I exercise, I do yoga, I've lost 80 pounds on the weight watchers program. I just can't seem to keep my smile. It's like this nagging dissatisfaction and obsessional nature to my life. I want it to stop.

I want to pull myself up by my bootstraps and live a life full of joy. I think I am just too sensitive for this world. Something Morgan posted last week is really ringing true for me. It was about how psychologically we stay in the cycle of unhappiness and depression because we are too afraid for the ups and downs or occasional failures that a fully engaged life will bring us. In short we are too afraid just to go out and do it. I'm starting to think that is the case. I don't think drugs can help me. I think I may have a personality disorder and need some serious CBT to stop the negative self talk.

I don't know I just wish I could get out of my mind and see the world. It's like I can't even see the world in front of me because I'm stuck in my head. I went and saw a movie today and that helped some, but just for a few hours. Sorry for being negative I've just been having a hard time.

mellow


Bipolar II
Lamictal 150, Topamax 50, Risperdal 2, Cal/Mag, D3 1000, Fish Oil 2400, High Potency Multi

"We're all just walking each other home." -Ram Dass


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poster:mellow thread:993599
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110809/msgs/993599.html