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Re: Bipolar Disorder and Imaired Balance / Posture. » morgan miller

Posted by floatingbridge on July 8, 2011, at 10:14:58

In reply to Re: Bipolar Disorder and Imaired Balance / Posture. » SLS, posted by morgan miller on July 7, 2011, at 13:03:40

Hey Morgan,

This is a moving narrative. You are just a great guy. As I think now about your sense of things being sped up as a child, is it anything like hyperactivity? I had thought there is something about adhd and BP sharing a genetic arm (?) if that's even a term. It's more common than thought. (I am not big into medicalizing that in children btw. Educational therapy first and ongoing, and awareness of goal sets over a dx).

At the er last week, a woman came in who had accidentally cut her hand on a table saw. She had driven herself. As we talked, she told me she had 'severe mixed agitated bipolar' or something like that. She started to do something I thought very interesting. She began thinking that it was her bipolar that caused this (really awful but common) accident to happen. Her mind went to work on this. I asked her if she was manic right now, and she said no, in fact her therapist that day had remarked how well and stable she had been for sometime. I guess I was very touched by her, and recognized that, even for someone with an unquestionably physical affliction, oh, you know, she could use her dx against herself, and she benefited from therapy just maybe to get along with others and seeing herself as being more than bipolar. I'm rambling here. I suppose my only point is that her dx and the history of it so haunted her. I mean, I can relate to being the f*ck*d up one very well.

Peace, Morgan.


> Scott, it's always been obvious to me you are far more intelligent in many ways than I am, or at least your mind has far more functional capacity tham mine. I think my impairment or lack of high function is affecting my ability to properly articulate what I believe about how these symptoms of coordination and balance are manifesting. I do think it could be purely biological, I said nothing that implied some kind of psychogenic or conversion reaction, at least I did not think so. I feel you are biased toward making assumptions about my statements here based on beliefs I've expressed in the past. You are saying that these symptoms are part of the disorder, I believe this might be true, just not true for most. Just like with any disorder that has a spectrum, different people that fall within it will experience different manifestations. All of our disorders are different, despite falling into the same category of diagnosis. Just as with medications, our brains respond differently to our disorders.
>
> I know several people that are bipolar, all of them farily coordinated, some of them athletes, and most of them have pretty damn good posture. Maybe there is something to this one study, I just believe that there needs to be more studies done and done more reliably.
>
> I am surprised that I upset you with my beliefs. I was just stating a belief that I did not think was that extreme or out there in a way to evoke such a reaction from you. I understand you would like to find answers. Unfortunately, those answers may never be withing our reach, and all we can do is get better. It is possible to get better without answers, I know you already know this.
>
> As far as me being bipolar is concerned, I have hospitalized myself(had to have someone drive me there) for two major mixed episodes. They were both horrific experiences that I am sure did quite a bit of damage, damage I am still recovering from. I also believe I am still recovering from what I believe to be somewhat irresponsible use of medications.
>
> Most of my life something has been off. I was lucky to be surrounded by some crazy *ss and very fun friends, which allowed me to sort of be myself and blend in. Still, I was different from the rest, and I'm not so sure them being crazy and liking my wild crazy behavior was always such a good thing.
>
> I realize my first mixed episode was at 22, when I finally gave in to Prozac. It was an amazing, and almost magical experience. The only problem was that I was more prone to hypomanic behavior(without the need for less sleep), which was not much different than before. I was more likely to take risks, have risky sex, act impulsively, and be defiant in the face of authority. But ya know what, Prozac helped me feel better, in more control, and more confident than I had ever felt before. I slept great and felt great. But after 9 months I was ready to get off as I started to feel a bit too numbed. Then the roller coaster of my 20s and 30s began, being on and off SSRIs until I was finally diagnosed a few years ago at Dominion Hospital in Falls Church, VA.
>
> Actually there was a fairly consistently stable and feel good period from 27 to 35. Until the end of that period, I was on Zoloft. My ability to escape reality, some help from fish oil, regular exercise(much of it intense), simply being young without any major physical issues, and having fun with friends(part of the escape), and Zoloft, all likely protected me from breaking down the way I did at the end of 34 and the beginning of 35, when I was hospitalized.
>
> During these years, I had a few friends just flat out tell me I was the most f*ck*d up person they knew. It didn't really always sink in, I just thought I was wild and that was the true me, that was simply my nature. Two girlfriends(just friends) told me later that they suspected all along that I was bipolar, but never told me what they believed, which was a bit frustrating. My ex-coworker, a bartender at a restaurant I worked at one of 7 restaurants in 6 years, always called me a maniac, and she said it seriously, not jokingly, whether she was entertained by my behavior or not. Well, she was right, I was a maniac, living in an ongoing state of controlled bipolar mania.
>
> As a kid, my reactions to stressful events like my parents fighting and then separating were different than the typical child. I remember a few times going to my mother in the morning telling her everything seemed like it was sped up, feeling and sounding faster than normal. She sounded like she was talking in a rushed panicky manner. I felt drugged, though I still maintained a fairly calm manner of speach, just with some amount of fear behind it.
>
> So, there is no doubt that I was born with a genetic predisposition towards bipolar reactions to my environment and developing disabling conditions associated with bipolar disorder. It really sucks that I was not brought into a different world with parents that were better equipped to give me and my siblings what we needed. I don't dwell on this or hold bitterness(though I admit I am still in the process of properly channeling the inner anger, something that all of us likely have), it's just one thing that helps me understand and deal with my condition. I'm sure you can relate to wanting to better understand your condition and the reasons for it's development in order to hopefully better cope with it and come up with strategies to help manage it.
>
> I still suspect that you questioned my own understanding of being bipolar because you were pissed off at me. I guess it's a bit moot at this point. I don't really care now either way to be honest, just like you, I was slightly offended by your expression of obvious doubt, especially since I thought I had stated it several times, and even in direct responses to you, explaining in detail what I had been through.
>
> Morgan


 

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