Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | List of forums | Search | FAQ

Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!

Posted by Enigma on September 1, 2010, at 22:53:16

In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!, posted by ed_uk2010 on August 31, 2010, at 12:26:58

v> Enigma,
> I have read your posts with interest. It's clear that you are suffering a great deal.

Thanks, I wish some old friends on facebook, that have been dropping like flies (I've been dropping them), one just after all I've posted about depression, and what my typical day is like, links, etc, then she totally crossed the line.

She called me a coward for even thinking about suicide because I have children. Ever wonder why I'm still alive??. Yep. A Coward. For my entire friends list to see. Sorry honey, but u lack 1/10th the willpower that I do and if you had the same EXACT pain, symptoms, everything, the same, I KNOW for a FACT, she'd have off'ed herself MANY years ago.
I don't really know anyone that could have lasted as long as I have.

I HATE when people haven't lived in my shoes (and it's not just the disorder, there's the failed marriage, wasted years of my life, lost soul mate because one asshole bouncer couldn't let me in the door - even for 5 mins - just so I could tell my sweetheart that I wasn't going to be able to join them. THEN, I could have got her PHONE NUMBER AT LEAST and I'll bet, if her feelings where as real as she made them out to be, I'd be so happy right now, it would be like talking to a completely different person.

I actually went to a psychologist today to ask why the crying started, and technically as well as realistically, I can break down, anywhere, at any time. Usually, when people listen to me, and treat me with respect and compassion, and are nice to me, I lose it and can't hold back my pain.

I'm actually so used to people hurting me, judging me unfairly, women, well, I don't even want to go there... that I expect people to be rude to me, in dating type scenarios, when alone in club, not at the convenience store. They was an incident that I luckily rose above, but it still hurt like hell when I went out to one bar to hear the band. When I was alone, after I met and talked to one of the owners, ironically enough, I'm fairly certain is was a group effort, to throw lemon wedges up to the balcony they HAD to be seen. They picked on my because I was older than most of the crowd, and because it's easy to pick on old creepy guy. So many people must have seen this happening and did nothing, like tell the cop who was 10 feet away from where the origin of the lemons where being tossed at me from. I was in awe that they could have been so immature. This hurt me, because, like I said, there's way that many people wouldn't have seen them throwing stuff at me since I was in the balcony. Last time I ever go there (not the balcony, the club).

I had a daydream/fantasy, whispering to myself for about an hour with an alternate ending that didn't turn out so well for those involved. I won't provide any more detail then that. Use your imagination.

I went out, alone tonight. I braved it yet again, because I guess I needed to get through it have gain some courage back.

My "alone" bar experience have been disasters. I've been not just shot down, but you wouldn't believe how rude the comments I would get were. If I said the same thing to a woman, she would literally start to cry, scream, then throw her drink and glass at me and the bouncer would throw me in the street. Yeah, that's fair.

I don't understand why women think they can be so utterly cruel to a complete stranger, that
a was a gentleman, possibly complimenting them, in addition to just selecting them out of all the other women. Are they impressed? Hell no. I can just see it now "oh no, he're comes a couple more losers (or heaven forbit, that older alone guy) to ask us out" WTF?? So why are they dressed in a 1 piece skin tight outfit, hair done by a pro, make-up, high heels, short skirt, cleavage mandatory, and yet, when we like what we see, and the only way we can meet them is we ALWAYS make the first move, yet we're flamed for it, usually in a cruel, sadistic manner... I will NEVER understand this behavior. Never. Women strangers have even approached me, just to say something mean.. like giving their UNWANTED opinion that they don't like your "hair", or your clothes, etc. For some reason, this is publicly acceptable behavior. I want to just hit them so hard, I crush 1/2 of their face in the process.

Imagine if guys did this? (ppl above 25 I mean) The women would kick them in the nether regions. But because they think they will never get "punished" for this disgusting behavior, I wish I had an MMMA female friend whom lagged being me at malls and other places, then I could stap my fingers, and she come beat the self-righteous, outwardly opinionated, anti-social freak, senseless. I kinda have a crush of this brunette MMA fighter. I wish she could protect me where I'm put in a position of pain by a strange women, who now has to pay the consequences for her actions. That would be, eye for an eye, sweet, sweet, vengeance.

no woman would even DARE approach me and take that 0 to a sliver of a chance of getting shot down. Which, isn't something men, really do anyway... If a girl is somewhat attractive and she makes the first move? OMG, that's like dying and going to heaven, which I wish I believed in.

And we would DEFINITELY want to hang with them and their friends for the company if no sparks went off. This, is my life. That's what happens when I try to go out. I asked 2 people to go with me. I knew I would get their constant excuses. All they do, is make excuses. One had to take his son to Karate!... I was like, ummmm, can't you f-ing wife do it? I'm only suicidal, that's all. No biggie, I don't need support from people. I'll just bury it all inside until I reach my threshold of pain and misery, then explode and lash out at people, be cruel to get back at them, cry every day, sometimes 4-5 times a day, but that's been getting better since I'm off the nardil. But now I'm more crazy.. Well, not true, the conversations I have with myself are daydreams and fantasies, not all and "pretty", many are fairly dark. I talk to myself constantly... whisper, so no family members can hear me. I act out completely fabricated scenarios to make me happpy (Like, I met a girl and I would whisper our conversation.) What amazes me about it, is that I don't hesitate at all when making up these stories. It flows like water. I guess I have one severely huge imagination and idea-bank to steal from. I thought I was losing my mind when the crying started (all I have to do is think of the soul-mate that bouncer wouldn't even allow me to talk to, just to get her number. I relive this story with it's 10,000 different endings, whispered to myself, almost always when I'm in bed. Many times they make me cry, based on where I am in the, like watch a sas scene in a movie. Actually, it's exactly like that. I have the time, as it still takes me 2-3 hours to get to sleep, even when taking 3 different meds for it. I feel like maybe my fantasies could come true, and I guess maybe it's some kind of defence mechanism.

Just recently because she's STILL ignorant to the fact that I'm in intense, pain, sorrow, sadness, and even anguish, let alone all the years of pent of frustration from people being 0.0% the friend to me, that I was to them. Well, as I kicked that habbit of being good to people who don't deserve my friendship, not I have no one. Just some girls I didn't even talk to in high school, that ask me how I'm doing on facebook, pray for me (really), and so on. I deleted all the people that haven't said a word to me, in ages or used to talk to me then stopped for whatever reason.
> I am not a psychologist and I don't want to sound trite..... but I do see evidence of a multitude of emotional problems and potentially problematic personality traits which need to be addressed in order for you to achieve better mental health. I do not think that any medication can solve these problems, and it does not surprise me that you have not obtained much benefit from medication in the past. Your mental health problems are a lot more complicated than 'just depression' or even bipolar disorder. This is not simply a biological issue.

It's not really even that complicated. I'm lonely, as hell. I'm miserable. I've lost interests in just about everything. I can't even nap anymore and dream. Now I lie in bed and talk to myself in my little happy world. The real one abused me, since I was put into that "hell house". I'm also angry that no women will give the benefit of the dought, that most of their profiles, on dating sites, purely lie (I can back up, 8 months of research and testing to proof it). On a new site, and the same thing. If I find a girl who is attractive to me, they just blow me off. I email them again, pleading for a reason why they turned me down, and I tell them, that not knowing, and blowing someone off completely like that, is just sickengly rude. Being on-line just allows these people to be anti-social biches without, yet again, any consequences. They should just advertise the truth about what the web site is really like. From the women I'm spoke with, I never heard them say that they even had 1 successful date. At least, they GOT DATES. Women, like I keep saying, won't give me the benefit of the doubt and go on a date with me. So yeah, I'm extremely hurt and upset but so many women who just press delete and move on to the better looking guy. They don't know what they are missing. But that's no consolation for me, as I still get no date, no hand-holding, kissing, hugging, or any intimacy of any kind. It's literally killing me. Iv'e been miserable and lonely since Sarah, for 6 years, on top of the chemical depression that has seemed to magically vanish, well, I shouldn't say that. But ANY time I was off meds, I became suicidal, within days, and had to go back out something I hated. I tried the Selly, went up on it too quickly, and got a 36 hour headache, and went to the ER.
I got some good meds, and the pills and headaches are almost gone.
I like not being on meds, even though I'm terribly unhappy with most aspects of my life. I lost 5 pounds almost immediately after stopping nardil. I actually worked out (not because I wanted to, but because I was furiously at the women on my new "beauty contest" site. I changed my profile to TEAR them all a new one. I enjoyed that. I feel it was driven by my bipolar irritibility, and pure frustration, and anger I have towards a very stereotypical type of women. Some bipolar irritibility showed up, after qutting Nardil.

I have a p-doc appt in 1 month, too far away but it's the best I could do. At least I know him, and I know he's experienced.
I don't really want meds again, but everyday is almost a battle just to reach bedtime. I can't nap anymore. I can't leave the house, for fear of crying in public, and, I just am petrified now of getting by anyone, so I hide out in my house.

The reason I wanted a relationship to start, even the most basic casual dating, is so I wouldn't be lonely, and I know this would help me. But, she's got to genuinely be attracted to me in SOME way, or I'm not interested. That's why I haven't pursued those, hmm, what's a good term for them... sexual hookup sites. I'm not interested in that. If I was, I'd probably get a perfect 10 for an escort instead and just pay for it. At the very least I'd know what I was getting. Like I said, I'm not interested in empty, meaningless sex, while I don't know if I could participate in anyway. I probably could, If I was deathly attracted to the woman, and she let me do some, sensual things, not just intercourse. (this going to get accepted?)

> I don't know what sort of psychological treatment you have received in the past but I think this is something that you need to look into. There are many different therapists - and many different types of therapy, so there's a high probability that you could find something that suits, even if therapy hasn't helped you in the past. Due to your poor response to medication, I don't think you have any choice but to look at psychological treatments. Most psychiatrists do not seem to be very experienced or knowledgable in this area. I believe that some psychologists specialise in performing assessments which can suggest which type of therapy would be most beneficial. Perhaps this is the way to go?

I had a very good therapist many years ago who using bio-feedback, litterally erased a great deal of hatred I had towards my parents for their treatment of me. To this day, I only gained a little of that hatred back...but that doesn't I want to be anywhere near my mother or brother as they both sicken me, and I can't believe we're ALL considered "human". I don't feel human. I haven't in ages. I feel like something more evolved, with a bigger heart, more caring, more problem solving (instead of like my mother AND wife, just screaming all the time, or bit-ching, near consantly (my mother).
I went to this therapist for a while to try and erase some of the negativity in me, learned behavior, and it was so-so succcessful, at least I try not to bit0ch and moan all the time now. Just list my symptoms here for others to relate to, to get support (I have no support netork - it's all, my defence mechanism, which I like say, is all the negativity, hatred, rage, vengeance, and so on, than I trap in a cage to keep him sealed up, as much as I can. But, he helps me. He protects me. In the most violent of ways, because that's what he's made of. He "escaped" at a party I was at, and long story short, he came to defend against this druken jack-as$ who was taunting me for 30 mins to get up and fight him. Yeah, 40 year olds. When he took swings at me, after I got him to sit down, and almost seriously injured his stupid girlfriend (who I've been friends with for MUCH longer than this clown), I lost it, my DM took over my body, I torn him to the ground, jumped ontop of him, strangeling him to death. Luckily, but too little too late, now I was the psycho, and scared the hell out of the person I was trying to protect. She someone got it in her head that I was going to go over to her house and kill her. Yeah, if that strikes you as odd, it pretty much blew my mind too. I made a space for her to escape, and saved her from serious blows to the back of her head from her drunk ex-cop (He got ejected and can never be cop again - take a guess why?) I let her free, screaming at him trying to make him here me that he was going to severely injure his gf. so, I backed off, let her escape, and now, she and that WHOLE group of "friends" are no longer in my life. Guess who they still hang around with. Yeah, the drunken idiot who taunted to fight for 30 mins and even broken chain, anything he could do, insult me, call me names, etc. But I would leave my chair, because I knew he was in grave danger already. I don't fight conventionally. I take people to the ground like MMA style, jujitsu?, and paralyse them,or worse, pull my knife out and end things, by threat, not my action (with the knife). From now on, I carry it every I go.

My DM, was still active for a couple, then, the emails flew out. I trashed everyone that did't help put a stop to what they saw going on, which they did see, and ignore for reasons beyond my knowledge. THEY abandoned me too. Like everyone else in my life.
What kind of person sees two friends starting with each other, actually, I was just commenting on my PERSONAL experiences with the police, and they've been bad. Mostly corrupt, liars, power hungry, and so on. I have many real examples. I've even been mistaken for a gunman, and had several pistols unknowingly pointed at my head because so bozo couldn't tell it was a fake gun, and it was an INDIAN (dark skin, yeah, looks nothing like me), who took the gun out of a bag of "toys" I had, and I fell asleep in the passenger seat of the car, while he took the gun out and was pretending to shoot himself. Not only did they pick the person of the wrong race, they didn't even question my indian friend, and did he even say "it was me who took the gun out"...nope.
After I immediately told one officer that it was a fake, a cap gun, noise maker only, he didn't tell the other officers 4 feet away from him after he had the gun, and I was harrassed, beat up, searched, harrassed some more, made fun of, but a large pack of gun wielding maniacs.. yes, maniacs. They so couldn't handle their "high", they took it out on me. Only one officer, a black guy who seems not associated or friendly with the rest of them, was the only one that was nice to me and help me gather my belongings after the searched the car (with 0 probable cause). Like I said, they got a tip there might be a gunman outside of this building, and they just believe it. Any moron could have called and made that story up...and it must have been full of holes, as the Indian friend of mine should have been the one that was being called in, and I'm sure the caller said he was Indian.

> I'm also hoping that someone with more knowledge of psychology (like Violette) will be able to suggest which form of psychotherapy might help you the most.
> Please don't take this as a criticism. I've noticed that a lot of participants on this board feel attacked by the suggestion of emotional problems. It's as if they feel that their very essence is being criticised, rather than their illness, if that makes sense. Talk of biological illness (and over-medicalisation of psychiatry) feels so very 'comfortable' in comparision because it removes attention from the person, and focuses solely on the illness. It makes discussion of psychiatric illness feel no different to talking about rheumatoid arthritis or diabetes. I have plenty of my own emotional problems so I know how difficult they can be to deal with. Anyway, I'd better leave it there.
> Take care.

No, I don't feel slighted. You didn't judge me, you only stated your opinion without personally attacking me, like a friend I lost that I met here, as was pen pals with for years. I blew up when she started to judge me and attack my personal being, as if i really have much of a choice in my actions lately, or for a long time now.
Also, you didn't act immature, and start with name-calling, which at my age, is extremely offensive, immature, and ignorant.

I see the therapist (he's a phd), and I'm not sure he can help me. I've always needed a balance of good and evil to be sane. In other works, if people are "evil" to me, and I don't have anyone being food to me, eventually, I'll snap..

And, it's too late. I already did. I lashed out to people on the dating site, viciously. Sure, it's all backed up by a year of research, but they pushed me too far.

That avenue was my only hope. If I somehow found an angel (a compassion, empathic, wonder woman, who doens't even care that I'm depressed), yeah, I know, I have a better chance of being struck my lightning. Of course, being the picky bio-engineered physical trait freak, there's even less of a chance. I think Sarah was this person, and now I'll never see her again.
Since it took 14 year to bar hopping to even meet someone REMOTELY like her, and now 6 more has passed, I don't think it's realistic at all to find anything even closely matching her qualities.

Sorry for all the typos, and repeated info. My mind is not functioning so well lately.




Post a new follow-up

Your message only Include above post

Notify the administrators

They will then review this post with the posting guidelines in mind.

To contact them about something other than this post, please use this form instead.


Start a new thread

Google www
Search options and examples
[amazon] for

This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | FAQ
Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:Enigma thread:955737