Posted by Enigma on August 30, 2010, at 15:39:28
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now! » ed_uk2010, posted by angels78 on August 29, 2010, at 23:26:07
> Engima, you need to get yourself help first before you start thinking about a realtionship with a female.
I've been "getting help" for 17 years now and where has that got me? Pretty much nowhere. I wonder what I'd be like now, if I picked my soul-mate who had all the qualities I loved, back when I was starting my current relationship. Back before my illness took a hold on me. I wonder if I would have turned out the same or have had the relationship to use as a weapon against my depression and bi-polar disorder. I can guarantee, I'd be in a better mental state now, if I was in-love.
What I need is a different kind of help, just the opposite of what you're thinking - a relationship with a female. If the type of woman I was looking for actually existed (I only met two in 20 years, and I'm talking about a woman with all my qualities, attractiveness, inside and out, and so much more.).
I believe a light relationship where we could see other people (you know, what they used to call dating, which I've sadly learned, is pretty much dead) would do wonders for me. Even just to experience some of what I missed while being married, wasting my life with the wrong person and my youth, I would be very content with dating one person for a while, then seeing someone else..and so on. Like my asshole brother does, except, I wouldn't use people, and wouldn't date bimbos.But, sadly, in 2010, at least in my area (Mass and New Hampshire), this doesn't happen to 41 year olds, even though I'm good looking, in shape, etc, etc. Anyone I'm attracted to, sadly falls in a stereotype of women that have always had the ability to get anything they wanted, and why settle for me, if you're shallow as hell, need and require just the best looking car in the lot, and only drive one at a time.
It's not my era, or my environment to be in. I hear Europe is much better when it comes to soul sharing, and casual relationships. They don't seem to exist anymore, again, not around me anyway. After a year of searching, all I've managed to do is back up fact behind my hypothesis and stereotype of attractive women.
It saddens me to hell, that they pretty much all exhibit the same weaknesses, and lack of any substance, compassion, caring, honesty, integrity, and so on. This data, I collected from around 700 attempts to contact women of different ages, different looks, different backgrounds, etc, but generally, they would all be considered to have above average looks. I also tried women I wasn't so attracted to, just for testing, and I found many of the same traits.
I can no more change my objects of attraction than I can change my eye color (not including colored contacts of course).
I passed up a woman very recently that I believe would have been (near) perfect match for me, but I wasn't attracted to her, and I've always needed that. Some things never change. I've tried to date other women that didn't fit my bill, but, I could never continue the relationship because I wasn't interested in anything physical with them. Call it a disorder, I don't care. It's just who I am, and I wish I wasn't this way.I'm still in shock, but the mere numbers involved. That not one of these women would even spend 1/2 a night on a date with me, to see what I'm really like. I got other emails telling me I'm "effing hot", 3 emails from her, almost begging me to go out with her.. and others saying I was "adorable", "very good looking" (which I got a lesser than expected amount of, but more so than any other compliment.
These women, unfortunately, were ALL older than me, and I did not find them attractive, and well, they just plain were not.
I don't really want to share this, but, what the hell. A few months ago, it seems like yesterday and an eternity away at the same time, I heartily enjoyed myself with a "real" lap dance, in Vegas. If I was rich, I probably would have tried every girl there that I was attracted to just for the experiences, just to see how different they were.Instead of what guys normally get out of these things, I was looking for something else right off the bat, and I was lucky enough that she allowed me to experience not just her "act/grind" but let me caress her, kiss her, and touch her, as if we were in love. She called me a sweetheart after she saw how I treated her and said that if I kept up what I was doing, she wouldn't be able to perform her "act", basically concentrating on my lower half. I told her, I didn't care, and this is what I wanted. I even hugged for a while not letting her move, and she let me. It felt incredible. I wish I could have held her all night. I didn't even care what she did for a living. No judgments passed through my head.
This simple affection, did more for me than any drug, therapist, friend (don't get me started on "friends") has been able to, in longer than I can remember.
I know what I want.. it's been the same for years.. It's never changed. If I had the money, I'd tour Europe on some type of singles vacation, and experience all that I could before I say goodbye to this planet and all the misery (a lifetime's worth) that it has brought me.
I would do almost anything to see my soulmate again that I met 6 years ago, as we have so much unfinished business. She probably thought I blew her off, hated me for a while and of course, easily found someone to replace me. I on the other hand, have had no such luck, because she wasn't like other women. She and her friend approached us, making things so easy and amazing, and refreshing at the same time. I'll never know if she felt the same way I did about her, and that kills me. I still cry over losing her, especially because one asshole wouldn't allow me into the club we were going to meet at, because I didn't have shoes on. Could there be a more pathetic way to lose something you've been searching for 14 years. Never met anyone even remotely like her, maybe because she wasn't from around here.. Her name is Sarah, I'll always be in love with her, and never have the chance to tell her.
poster:Enigma
thread:955737
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100829/msgs/960681.html