Posted by inanimate peanut on November 30, 2009, at 11:44:37
I feel like this is the hardest decision ever. I'm waiting for EMSAM for work (9 days on 6 mg now day 2 on 9mg) and I'm doubtful it's going to work which will mean another 1-2 weeks washout period to try Parnate and then waiting for it to work (and if it doesn't then I don't know what because I've literally tried everything).
My option is to keep waiting or to go into the hospital and be cleared for ECT and start that Wednesday morning. I'm really scared of ECT because of the memory effects and because I'm really very smart and don't want it to make me stupid. I live alone and would be taking a taxi to treatments if I don't stay in the hospital, but I'm pretty sure I'll hate the hospital. I have no social support here where I live. I have family about 2 hours away. I want to die so bad but won't kill myself because of what it would do to my family but my family is so sick of me right now that they don't know what to do with me and aren't very supportive. I just spent the last hour on the internet figuring out that I could kill myself with an insulin overdose without making it look like suicide (and still donate my organs, which is important to me). Don't worry-- I haven't ordered the insulin so no imminent threat.
I just don't know what to do. I'm so sick of waiting and I really doubt the EMSAM is going to work so more waiting... Should I be scared of ECT? Could people who've been through it good and bad please let me know what you would do in my situation? I've read past threads but I need to hear more based on my situation. Please just say something. I need to talk to someone so badly.