Posted by delna on October 6, 2009, at 11:23:22
*Possible trigger. Please proceed with caution*
I'm beginning to lose all hope. I am desperately suicidal and I have a very concrete pretty fool proof plan. I have told my pdoc that. I have even written my suicide notes. I have has suicidal ideation all my life but when push came to shove I never had the guts to do something really lethal. I don't plan on taking an overdose and going into a coma. If I do it, I will complete it. I have told him that this is the first time I am desperate enough to do something really lethal even if it isnt a peaceful way to go.
I have very treatment resistant bipolar depression and there are drugs that work but I cannot take due to side effects (like antipsychotics due to TD)
My doctor has put me on 10 mg of Parnate and is not treating this with any urgency- calling me to see him at his convenience. The parnate is not making suicidal feelings worse- it's just not helping at all.
I hate this feeling, its like dangling by a tread. I just want to get rid of it anyway possible.
My pdoc is a clueless freak and once told me that 'you know, people who really want to kill themselves will find a way' It was full of innuendo.
Sadly I am stuck in India where the worst possible psychiatric treatment is available and he is actually the only one with ANY real drug knowledge. )because he goes to the US annually for the APC and such)
I want to suggest something to him because he is advising me to 'sleep it off with klonopin'. I'm sick to death of sleeping my life away and am really fed up.
Anything I can suggest to him in terms of drugs?
ECT has been ruled out for me by 2 leading ECT pdocs in the US- they don't feel it will help. Plus there is no way I am letting them perform ECT on me here in India.
PS: Hospitalization is not an option because no hospital will take on psychiatric patients due to the risk to suicide.
I'm at a loss and I am looking up possible options to suggest to him (since he expects me to do all the research it seems)
Any suggestions greatly appreciated.
Thank you and hope I didn't distress anyone