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Not doing so well right now...but pushing, pushing

Posted by uncouth on August 17, 2009, at 14:13:26

Hi friends,

I'm not doing so well right now. The ups and downs of the past few months have worn on me significantly, and 10 days ago, while driving, I felt the mornings elevated mood and positive thoughts (a welcome respite from the negativity) go away, quickly and strongly. It was like a dark cloud coming over me, I had never felt it happen so quickly like that before. Over the next few days, things got significantly worse and I took to my bed in pain.

Then, last Monday, I saw someone driving that I didn't expect to see in town, and it has triggered an absolute torrent, an obsessional, regretful, extremely sad and angry set of emotions that I have struggled to contain the past week. I was suicidal before, and absolutely suicidal after, this event.

I had an emergency pdoc session and my doctor put me on Aplenzin (aka Wellbutrin 300) to replace 80mg of Strattera. It seems to have made things worse, or at least I haven't seen any improvement yet. My sleep is worse, I'm sweating at night, and my mind anxious and in pain. I'm also a bit agitated, while at the same time exhausted and taken to bed. What a combination.

Does anyone with experience with Wellbutrin know when the mood elevation kicks in, or at least when or if these side effects will moderate?

I am in a deep, dark pit of obsessive regrets, thoughts of "what could have been", a feeling like I'm in hell and have nothing to save me, and have been very close to suicide this past week. I can't escape my past or redo things, i know, and yet I cannot imagine living with my poor decisions and these regrets any longer (themselves a function of not fully treated depression!). Some of the words in this forum have helped me to get through the pain, and also a little book of sermons I found called "Spiritual Depression", which if you are Christian I suggest. But even still, I feel utterly empty and without any sense of emotional hope -- all i have left is that logical hope scott speaks of, and i question whether that is enough sometimes. I also picture in my head my mother, and how she'd feel for the rest of her life if I killed myself. My own life and prospects just isn't enough to pull me through this darkness. So I look at it like I'm suffering through this immense indescribable pain for something, for the absence of her pain over my death. So far that has been enough, it has kept me going through the tossing and turning at night, and the fatigue and boredom of the day.

This is so sick, it is just so sick to lose one's sense of self, one's belief in life itself. IT feels like life is over for me despite ample evidence to the contrary. And it's not just a 'feeling' anymore, it's beyond that, it's a full fledged belief and imprisoning sickly rationality that tells me this.

This is all over the place, i'm sorry, i'm just at my wits end. But I just wanted to share what is keeping me alive right now. 1) my mother's love and my reciprocal love of her 2) logical hope 3) Faith, a very weak faith however, that God loves me, knows my sufferings, and wants the best for me, and that in some unimaginable way, this is part of his plan.

I have to admit #3 is hard to accept.

That's it for now.

Luvox CR 200mg
Aplenzin 344mg
Namenda 5mg (tapering off)
Lithium 200mg
Rilutek 100mg
Deplin 7.5mg
Geodon 120mg




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