Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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2004-2008, what happened?

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 23, 2008, at 1:21:29

Hello, its rj.

Its 12:19am, just got through joggin....(i'm wierd) but i jog at night. Cool air, makes me run faster.

What...i need to say, because, i can't explain my problems with out just "freaking" out, inside. I have always, just act normal....when i get home, is usally when i hit the pillow, my parents, why does no one understand, there is something torchuring me so bad inside, i can't explain it to anyone. I, think about it, i get confused...memory loss, memories that where horrid, there not put together. And, when i see, anyone.....no one cares about problems, and eventually my parents did not care anymore. But, i wasnt going to be throw, or assisnged to mental health place. These idenities, i told my therpist, and, I respect him for counsol....but he doesnt listen. He just rambles about meditation, a therpist needs to listen, not "BLAB BLOA BLABA BLA! now i need my check!" Ugh...that's life from my view.

Next, medication...well talk about that. People say "drug!" "drug" "drugs!" whooooo look at this person, what is it! it's a.....gossip. Do you know how hard i want punch...excuse me, i get agitated because this is not understood.

The fact, that it does what it is suppost to to, and treat. Dexedrine treats focus, and lack of attention span, keeps you intrested in whatever your doing. Yes, its abusable, and yes i abused it. But, when a medication is actually helping the symptoms, and taken correctly, its fine. Xanax at this point.....2mg's doest really help, i rather just "drich" myself in Scotch, and smoke a cigar.

What next? idenitity, issues, i change persona's alot. To take on a character, because my "main" personality, it didnt develop. So i have to, rotate, switch, because the main ego, "me" was damaged so severely, by one 1. Myself, not knowing what i was doing, i had no personality, and then the "irrelevent" sydrome came, i'll you, in high school, and even today, rages inside my head, weeping to wear the pain was so bad, my mind would "forget" everything, and start over, i would get up, and couldnt believe i brokedown this hard. But, in aspect, i was switched, to let that side of the mind lay at rest.

You know, i've posted here....since 2004, but back then i was talking about rejection issues, social problems, i didnt know 4 years later this was going to be me, multiple. (Now, this not a statement i'm making, its just, pain can only so far...and the mind creativly created another part, but its not another person, so Dissociate Idenity disorder, can't be, i'm always myself, but it's more fragments.

My mind started releasing endorphins, "its ok, calm down" during.....a multidude of emotions of sorrow, you know....it just hurts so much to know, i was never normal, but at least my own mind cared and created coping, and charater's (not personalites) that had diffrent thinking. The mind, i dont think is aware of itself, but when a large amount of damage, and trama i put own self through, because....i didnt know how to cope with reality, socially, even common living, and really i connect this with asperger's sydrome.

I dont even think about comfort sometimes, but i know that, keeping up even when your struggling and dont see a future, i've came close many times to suicide, but i know in my spirit, i'm not going to take my life, ever.

Drugs.....medication, narcotics, alcohol to help, feel not tormented, nor hurt. "1000 knives" is what i would descibe, an intense moment when i know, really that i'm just that person who never grew up, never had friends, alone, irrelvent, i look at pictures of myself, and these memories of happiness when i was kid, is so wonderful, but then getting to age 12, things started to "ripple". I'm now 21, i have many sides, i'm called a drug addict, mmmhhhh its so funny, what is better, a pill or a gun? i've thought about the gun, and i think its alot more effective than taking medication. (But, please do not be offended, what i just said, right now, it intese for me. But if someone is going to die, and they are not given medication, what's the diffrence in suicide? because you made a choice that it's not reasonable to live this way anymore. I tell myown self, i'm sorry i'm like this, i'm average looking, i'm, if you saw me, you would not believe, "this person wrote this". Looking outside and seeing yourself horrible, but seeing yourself with torchured emotions inside is the worst.

But in the bible, God himself will wipe tear from people eye's, neither shall their be morning, suffering, anymore....because these things will pass away when the human body naturally dies, (This is my own belief, there is a God, he's silent, but he's warm and commpassinate, but he does punish. Satan, "tell me what you want and i'll give to you", well I already know he's a liar, he will confort for a while, give your pleasure, but his intentions are not for your benefit, its for his, he wants "suffering" for man.

But.....hopping off that subject, let finish what i need say.

I close my eyes, i just imagine people just hugging me, and this isnt a self-pity, issue, this is what is result of not being understood, and the mind itself had to understand itself, and create support, through imgination and belief, "there is going to be a tommorow"

That's it...

logging out.

rj


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Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:rjlockhart04-08 thread:864813
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20081114/msgs/864813.html