Posted by Pluto on May 16, 2008, at 16:59:17
In reply to Re: Very Much into Suicide.. If anyone can help, posted by garylee on May 16, 2008, at 16:21:52
SLS , B2CHIA, Phillippa, IAMtheWalrus, johnj, garylee,
I thank you all and your willingness to help me.
SLS, I am not a believer. I could never believe in god as I was brought up in such a set up. I dont think there would be hell once I die. Even though a hell is there, that appeases me more now.
But as some people suggested overdosing what is left with me might not be enough, for the reason I cant ever consider going into a coma then to become a burden for those around me. But I can definitely acquire more toxic tricyclics like Elavil and more anti-hypertensive pills. Combining all together will do. What you think? Or I would be thinking of getting more toxic stuffs available out there. In fact I have read tricyclics can be highly toxic in overdoses. Well, I am not going to overdose, but feel like emptying a pharmacy now if that can help.
None of my current medications except Xanax and Klonopin are doing any good for me. Provigil has pooped out so that I can take full dose at night and sleep well.! Doc doesnt want to give me controlled stuffs like Ritalin, Codeine and his reason: I am all right, but suicidal. Suicide is not an illness to treat with meds charlatan to say at least.
I tried some dopaminergics like Wellbutrin, Parlodel, but it seemed to be triggering depression, which I think I dont want to tryout anymore. Depressed myself was very much afraid of death, but now I am attracted to it. Why should go through that awful experience again? Apart from this bleak outlook of the world, there is nothing wrong with me now, though I have an insight left to think I am really abnormal. Because death has a charm that words cant describe. For the first time, I can really tell and talk about it to frighten my friends. Oops I have to switch off mobile. Why should those around me worry in a matter that doesnt concern them?
Waiting for a better tomorrow? What is tomorrow and what it mean better? I have lived my life. This is my decision. I am sure my wife and kids will live as they live right now without me and my help since I have saved living means for them. All ahead of me is hollowness, how can I fill this? Nothing could so far as this is the third week. Tried a lot of friends, (I hate psychologists) changed my way of living, but this thought doesnt leave. The place where I work has become a burden for me ever since I left the suicide note as an internal mail. Too much sympathy... and they dont utter a word. Why? I was not this important person for them. All of a sudden all became compassionate? What the hell is wrong with world?
Finally, someone suggested Ritalin LA. If I can get the stuff, can it make any difference? I ask this because those who knew I am suicidal have been dismal. I dont want them shed tears for me. Foolish I was to leave that note otherwise none would have been botheredall know I will do what I say, since I was such a person so far. Damn.. Will Ritalin change me? Or tramadol? What is it? My doc never mentioned it.
May be my last mail? Thoughts are floating really...