Posted by Mathia on November 15, 2007, at 1:19:35
In reply to Thatīs it , Im done , I got enough, posted by tepi on November 14, 2007, at 23:13:06
Sorry this is such a long post. Ive thought alot of times in my life that dying would be alot easier than the crap I was going through in my life and in my head.
The agony of the depression, the anger, the sadness, the loneliness, grieving for those I miss, the feeling of being told by someone I was in love with that they didnt love me anymore and that it was over, the sadness that comes with watching someone you love (my mother) die in front of me with nothing I could do, and the worst part of watching my mom die was thinking of the pain she is going through, and even to this day, I still think about that (those that have dealt with this also can understand, that feeling of just being so desperate and knowing that this person they love is so undeserving of this).
The feeling of being a loser, an unsucessful person who has no life, no decent job, no wife, no kids. The feeling of not fitting in with the rest of society, not being a person who is all about making money and thats the way it is or get out. The feeling of trying and trying and trying and whatever it is, it just doesnt change. The feeling of, when you actually have a half decent day, that we are gonna die someday and there is nothing you can do about it.
These feelings, continue on and on and never change.
One day a good friend said to me "Matt, you have 2 choices, you can die or you can live. If you die your never gonna have any of those feelings again. If you choose to live, you will wake up tommorrow and still have all those hard things your going through, and those feelings of depression and anger, and sadness, and hoplesness. But you can look at it differently, you can chose life, and you can chose that all those tough things, are actually wonderful, unbeliveable, little pieces of a miracle. That time, when your standing in line and the cashier is taking forever, instead of thinking how pissed you are at her and everyone else, you can step back and realize this is the only moment in the whole of mankind that right then and there you are miraculously alive and breathing and getting this incredible chance to experience this anger." IT TRULY IS AMAZING.
After that day I truly started appreciating the depression, the anger, I stopped taking for granted, my life. I started appreciating every little part of it, when I have a day that is going well I love it even more. This is your life dont let it be stolen away from yourself by yourself.Remember, that if you chose to live, your parents, and your brothers new kid and the rest of your family will benefit from the fact that you can help them deal with sadness in their own lives. The REASON you are on this earth may be to someday help that kid your brother is having. All the unhappy days of your own life might come down to one moment that he needs you. One my brother and I were at a restaurant and all of a sudden his 6 year old daughter started choking, my brother went into a sort of daze, like he couldnt believe this was happening, he froze. I grabbed her and did the heimlech on her and she started breathing again after about 2 minutes of nothing.
I dont brag but had I not been there who knows, shes now 19 but every now and then we think back and he just hugs me.
Well all I can say now is
DONT GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
poster:Mathia
thread:795191
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20071104/msgs/795212.html