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Re: Jenny, dont give up hope: People DO change

Posted by jenny80 on April 29, 2007, at 16:38:29

In reply to Jenny, dont give up hope: People DO change, posted by UgottaHaveHope on April 28, 2007, at 22:24:58

Thank you for your kind messages. I will try and tell you a bit about myself and my treatment so far so you may be able to suggest something for me.

I am 26 now. I remember being very withdrawn, quiet and shy as a child. I would spend most of my time working but did have a few friends and don't remember feeling depressed. There was a period when i was 11 years when i decided i did not want to participate in my usual hobbies. i don't know why but i just remember feeling so scared to go to my ballet or gym class and would cry if anyone made me go. I guess thats when it started.
I went away to Uni and became very anxious about being away from home. I am very dependent on my parents and became extremely depressed at the though of having to mix with new people and cope on my own. I used to feel tired all the time, had no motivation to do any work, and became self-neglectful in terms of taking care of my self. in the afternoons after classes i would go back to my room lie in bed and stare at the walls.
I developed a preoccupation with my looks and decided i was ugly. I then spent hours checking my appearance, looking at ways of having plastic surgery. It became my life.
I started to see a psych who tried me citalopram and venlafaxine. I was on venlafaxine for 2 years. It not do anything. It was augmented for a while with sulpiride and buspirone which again did not work. I had CBT for body dysmorphic disorder but did not feel i was as ill as other people in the group.
This pattern continued for 5 years with a 1 year period where i started to lose weight to the point i was anorexic and bulimic. I managed to turn this one around however and i don't suffer with this anymore.
One day after i finished my degree i went to a wedding with my ex-bofriend and was surrounded by happy people not caring about the way they looked. I decided that day that i did not want to waste my life bothered about my looks.
The following day i woke up feeling awful. I did not know what to do with myself. I no longer had this preoccupation with my looks but i did not feel happy ! I realised that all this time i had been blaming my feelings on my looks. It wasn't about my looks it was about me.
This spiralled me into a deep depression. I went into hospital for a week was started on mirtazapine which did not work. I would feel total despair, that i was worthless and trapped in the situation.
Somehow i forced myself to carry on with my work. Since then i have seen a could of docs. I started escitalopram, fluoxetine augmnented with lamatrogine, duloxetine (could not handle side effect so quit after 2 weeks), thyroxine, quetiapine. Lately, my doc has decided that maybe drugs wont work for me and i just need to have talk therapy. The psychologgist i'm seeing does psychoanalytic therapy. She seems to want to find times in the past that my parents or certain situations may have triggered this. Last week she told me that I seemed triumphant that none of medications worked, she said i was acting like a 12 year old not knowing what i should do. She said that if i wanted to lie in bed all day and not go to work then thats what i should do. I said to her 'but i will lose my job' and she sait i always use 'buts'. I left feeling worthless. As if i have all these personality flaws which i should be able to just change.
I recently was on parnate 10 mg three times a day. This made me anorexic, drowsy and unable to think properly. It also worsened my depression. I would get cold shivers which were unbearable. At night i would become hot and unable to sleep.
I then tried nardil and 15 mg three times a day. Had similar symptoms. The worse being the freezing cold sensations, and insomnia. I would be so hot and restless at night i would have to leave the fan on all night. I stopped nardil after 2 weeks. Since stopping it cold turkey i have become profoundly depressed and agitated. I have only slept 2 hours a night since.
I basically am losing hope. I feel that the chancs of me finding something let alone something that will last are hopeless.
I hope you may be able to suggest something else for me. My depression is characterised by chronic low mood, anhedonia and low motivation. I tend to withdraw from people. My sleep normally is fine but i tend to be tired a lot and don't bother to feed myself or look after myself.
My family are very supportive however do not know how i feel. They think that medication tends to make me worse and that i should acheive the unimaginable through diet and exercise which i have tried but did not help.
Thank you all so much. You are truely kind people. I would like to leave my email address but feel i cannot for annonimity.




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