Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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Round and round and round.

Posted by deniseuk190466 on April 10, 2007, at 13:33:51


This is more to myself but if anyone can relate then let me know.

Last week upped my dose of lexapro to 20mg (only for the week though because I've only been prescribed 10mg and only had five extra to play with). I managed to get through working at this temp job ok but last Wednesday(and this is about 7 days after taking Zyprexa) the feelings of apathy were there. I knew I had an interview the following day and was feeling apathetic about that and yet at the same time worried because I was feeling apathetic and indecisisve.

That night I had a friend round for dinner but it was all I could do to cook the dinner and then I was just feeling very edgey and restless, couldn't sit still. I also had this feeling that I always get when I'm starting to go downhill, that I'm not going to be able to make it to the interview the next day because I simply don't care enough, I haven't got the will or the energy. I managed to have a shower that night after smoking incessantly.

Couldn't sleep very well on the Wednesday night and then got up early on the Thursday feeling bad, anxious, pacey and unsettled. Even the washing up from last night's dinner seemed to much for me to cope with.

Anyway, got dressed got into my car and drove to this interview (which was quite a way from where I live). I'm in the car feeling suicidal, like I just want to jump out the car and I'm smoking more and more. This is nothing to do with the pending interview but I would have felt like that regardless what I was doing, whether I was in Tescos on a Saturday doing some shopping or on an idyllic beach.

By the time I get to the interview I'm feeling like I've made it through a major ordeal and couldn't care less about the interview afterall, how am I going to do the job when I can hardly make the journey.

I get into the interview (it's the second one just an informal chat as they've already offered me the job) and I feel anxious nervous. They said that they hadn't felt that the first one had gone too well, even though they saw potential and how did I feel it went. I said I didn't think it went that well and asked them why they thought it hadn't gone too well. They said I just seemed really nervous and on the defensive.

At that point my heart just sank as I realised I wasn't fooling anyone and I sort of blurted out that I suffered with "depression and anxiety". By that time I didn't want the job anyway, I didn't want anything but to get out of that room and have yet another cigarrette.

I left the interview, drove to my mums, had another five cigarettes, who made me have something to eat (and which I felt like throwing back up). I was restless and agitated, got to work in the afternoon and made it through the rest of the day. But by the end of the day I felt as though I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards and that I simply didn't care about anyone or anything (which was a sort of nice feeling in a strange way).

That night took a Zyprexa, next day zoned out, next day agitated but more composed. Saturday night went for a drink with a friend (and although I didn't feel anxious had no desire to talk or do anything, left early and just went to bed. Yesterday very unmotivated but not anxious, today managed to do work ok without any anxiety, bit more emotions comeing back but there is this underlying worry all the time because come Friday or Saturday of this week the whole thing will start all over again and don't want to feel an anxious wreck but neither do I want to feel like a detached robot (on Zyprexa).

When the anxiety starts again, Friday/Saturday I'm going to try Klonopin again I think, see what that does.

I just get sick of going round and round in circles.

I keep thinking maybe I should try Abilify, then no maybe I should try lyrica, then no maybe I should just go back on Seroxat and Mirtazapine, then maybe mirtazapine and effexor, then maybe I should try tieneptine or adderall. When I start to feel really bad I just want to either die or to be wheeled straight into hospital for somebody to drill holes into my head and remove whatever it is that is bothering me. I know there is no quick fix anymore but I feel as though I'm being cheated out of my life. All I can do is worry and obsess because I simply can't seem to get interested in anything (I do try) so I worry and obsess about what I need to do in order to be interested in other things. It's the only way I feel I am actually doing something constructive, even though it's not getting me anywhere. Life is passing me by but then it would anyway and it would feel like it was no matter what I was doing.





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Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

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