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Re: Seems like it's always either Limbo or Hell University

Posted by sleepygirl on April 7, 2007, at 21:48:07

In reply to Seems like it's always either Limbo or Hell, posted by University on April 7, 2007, at 21:20:00

well, I did enjoy your writing :-)

sometimes I would like to stop taking the meds
but I don't
because I am afraid that I won't be able to handle tomorrow
but somedays I just want to "feel"
so the question is why mess with what's working?
I don't know....I'll likely find a reason soon

well, best of health to you
-sg

> Hi all,
>
> I've been through three, severe depressions in my life. I'm now 37, and haven't had an episode since I was 27 (touch wood).
>
> I've been on Prozac for 14 years, plus Klonopin PRN for anxiety (~.5mg every two weeks-not a lot). Also Ritalin 80mg/day for
>
> ADD. Anyway, although I have not had a depression, per se, for over a decade, I have come close. My depressions are
>
> triggered by loss, usually, and before each episode--or potential episode, I experience this chilling anxiety where it feels
>
> as if my blood cools down; my extremities become tingly, and I literally have a sinking feeling--and abject, existential,
>
> insufferable anxiety.
>
> I have been able to--I believe--thwart many would-be depressions by taking an mg of clonazepam sublingually when I feel this
>
> downward spiral. Doing so arrests the anxiety that, in my experience, is the "kindling" that becomes an inferno of
>
> depression. In the past ten years, this has happened maybe twenty or thirty times, and the causes vary, but mostly it
>
> happens after months of being careless about taking my Prozac; I wake up on a gloomy Sunday, feeling melancholic about
>
> various things, and it comes over me like a wave of prickly pins of panic.
>
> I am VERY grateful that clonazepam has been the saving grace it has seemed to be in these situations. Moreover, it only ever
>
> takes a 1mg tablet to thwart the spiral; I never feel it "wear off," because, I suppose, by the time that drug's long
>
> half-life has approached, I am in a different state of mind. Indeed, almost always, these would-be depression are blessings.
>
> That is, they always give me the kick in the pants I need to address things in my life that certainly contribute to my
>
> susceptibility to depression. For example, the last time it happened, theh horror of coming so close to depression made me
>
> swallow the pride that had been preventing me from talking things out with a family member by whom I felt hurt and neglected.
>
> Another time, the close-call motivated me to get more serious about looking for a new job (as I hate my current one). But,
>
> as thankful as I am that I am spared full-on depression, I also lament the all the briefness of panicky motivation that the
>
> potential depression caused. There's nothing like that kind of motivation for me--it makes me do things I know I should, but
>
> would otherwise not. It's as if my life carries on in a confining--but cool--frying pan, and I am "happy" to stay there in
>
> spite of my unhappiness. Then, when a depression threatens, it's as if the burner is turned on; I scramble and jump and do
>
> whatever it takes to escape. Sometimes I question how "lucky" I really am, being so capable of extinguishing the heat (with
>
> clonazepam). But I always conclude that I'd rather live the rest of my life in my bland, relatively unhappy, cool pan, than
>
> to risk a depression that could ruin me completely.
>
> Yes, very all-or-nothing, but I honestly don't feel as if made or make it this way. This is how my "wellness" has always
>
> been; absolutely utopian compared to depression, but achingly deficient of joy, risk, passion, and all of the things that
>
> make life what it probably ought to be. I've posted about this before over the years, and quite naturally have gotten advice
>
> about considering changing ADs. But tampering with the drug that has ostensibly kept depression at bay for so long is
>
> unthinkable. So, perhaps I have made my own jail--my own all-or-nothing situation. I don't know. The one bit of advice I
>
> remember being so sensible was from someone whose situation was similar to mine. He said that he'd sometimes titrate down
>
> his Prozac for a time--until he was close enough to the fire to get motivated/passionate/serious/committed but not so close
>
> that he'd be consumed by the flames. And I suppose when I "forget" to take my Prozac many times a month, that I am trying to
>
> do what he advised.
>
> I had no intention of writing all of this! For the record, I'd been in psychotherapy for 11 years, but stopped going many
>
> years ago. I'm considering that route again, too, but wanted to post here, too.
>
> One thing that really scares me is that I suspect that my "cool pan" --aside from being a joyless place--is not even
>
> something on which I can always depend. That is, when and if a "real" trauma hits me (death of a loved one, etc.), I don't
>
> think a tablet of klonopin under my tongue and taking my prozac every day would prevent my grief from segueing into a
>
> hellish, sunless depression.
>
> Anything anyone might have to say is welcomed--even if it's of the "you lazy, self-indugent cad" variety. I am just so tired
>
> of being in this comfortable but souless limbo.
>
> J
>
>
>
>
>
>
>


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Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:sleepygirl thread:747991
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070407/msgs/748002.html