Posted by Mistermindmasta on October 26, 2006, at 23:25:56
I don't post a lot here cuz I don't have severe problems, I just like to come in and out of this board and gather a little info, especially from the alternative board. I've never been diagnosed with anything and I've never been on any medications. I've always had some "issues", which mostly were lack of motivation, procrastination, sensation seeking, typical ADD (not really hyperactive). I am functional, but barely. Despite the fact that my school GPA is 3.5, that's only from last minute procrastination and self medication with caffeine and various herbs that are not as ideal as I'd like.
So anyway, this past Monday I tried Adderall from a friend who gave me some just to try cuz he had extra. I guess I took about 20 - 30 mg (half a 15 mg pill plus a whole 15 mg pill) and I couldn't even believe how I felt. It was amazing, literally. I didn't feel speedy or anything, though.
Normally in my science labs at school, I'm always the kid who doesn't know exactly whats going on and has to ask other people questions, but when I was on the Adderall, everything was so clear to me. I knew what I had to do and was efficient and organized. That was nice.
Normally I feel sort of awkward around people I don't know. I don't feel motivated to talk to them and when I do, I'm always second guessing myself, wondering if they're judging me. On adderall, I felt motivated to talk to people, to learn about people, and I had zero (!) feelings of awkwardness. It's amazing to feel clear headed and have no social anxieties... the only thing that made me feel like that was alcohol but this was totally different. Totally different. I never realised how much I avoid conversation with people just because I don't feel right. In fact, it's effects on my social skills was probably the most pronounced. I didn't have a whole lot of directed motivation to do schoolwork though - I still had to drag myself away from wanting to write poetry and such. But I just felt so connected to the world!
So is this what normal feels like?? I haven't felt normal since I was like 15 so I'm not sure. I'm always wondering if I was just on a heavy adderall buzz and that it's not realistic to think that I could actually feel that way all the time. But it SHOULD be realistic - I see how people around me like to socialize and how my classmates know what's going on... so why can't I feel like that?
Just that day totally changed my viewpoints on a lot of things and it made me realise I suffer a lot more than I sometimes acknowledge. Here I was thinking I was going through life ok, with some minor issues, but I think I'm just so used to have social issues that I've just accepted being dysfunctional - which, in a certain sense is good, but I'm still dysfunctional nontheless.
Since I can't keep bumming adderall from this kid forever, I'm checking out ordering reboxetine online. It's like $25 / month, no insurance which isn't bad. It's a NE reuptake inhibitor, similar to atomoxetine (concerta I think??). I don't have insurance and am looking to just feel a little more normal, since most antidepressant herbs are sub par. I don't really know if I have depression, since I rarely feel emotional and don't have any really bad problems with energy... it seems more like social anxiety and ADD, if I were to make a guess. So hopefully I'm find something that is somewhat close to being as good as adderall was. Just wanted to share my story.
poster:Mistermindmasta
thread:698080
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20061020/msgs/698080.html