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Just hospitalized and feel worse!!

Posted by CEK on May 6, 2006, at 5:33:36

Has anyone ever felt this way? I just spent a week in a short term facility for my depression, bipolar and suicidal idealization. I'm just as bad if not worse now. They started me on 1000 mg of Depakote and it's only been 4 days since starting it and I know it's too soon to expect anything but I feel so dead inside now. I'm void of all feelings except for pain. Being locked up in there for a week and listening to everyone else's pain has made me even more depressed. I now am having constant dreams and nightmares of the place. I have come more in contact with the inner pain that I've been supressing over the years and don't know what to do with it. There's no where to hide from the hurt. I wish they would believe in humanly euthanizing people in my condition because their "help" is no help at all. My family hoped I'd come home a new better person, but here I am a complete wreck. My family looks so hurt and disappointed that I'm not any better but worse. All the noise and constant cussing and bitching and moaning from 60 other people was just not helping. Not to mention the extremely manic bipolar patients that would follow me around jabbering 100 miles a hour about nothing that I could not escape. There were violent patients in our ward that should've been in the other ward that would lash out violently and scream, cuss, and punch walls and eventually crack and would have to be slammed to the ground by 8 techs. If you had any concerns or voiced any concerns that the staff did not feel up to dealing with, they would threaten to send you to "east" the psycho ward. I went 3 days there at first where they didn't even allow me the meds my home pdoc had prescribed me. When I was feeling so suicidal and would start looking at how I could reach the light bulbs to break out of the ceiling so I could hopefully cut my throat and escape the hell, I would finally ask for one of my PRESCRIBED Klonopin and they would treat me like an addict. I'd only been on Klonopin for one week and would have to explain the whole story and get the whole lecture about Klonopin. My pdoc only gave it to me because he new I needed some immediate relief. One bad instance, actually the first one where I was feeling bad suicidal there, I went to the pharmacist asking for my Klonopin that was on a prn basis. I was crying and shaking and she gave me the whole speech about the Klonopin and I was so desperate to hurry and get it in my system that I chewed it up in front of her and swallowed my water to wash it down. She looked at me horrified and asked me," Did you just chew that up?!" (It's not like they taste bad, they're sweet and hell people take nasty BC powders so they go into the system faster) I told her yes that I needed it to work right away. She said," Are you an addict!?!" I said no, I'd only been on it for a week but that I've been living suicidal for three months waiting for something to work and my pdoc gave me this for some immediate relief and I needed it bad now. She then said," Well, I think we may need to revaluate you and make sure you're in the right ward." Just because I chewed it up, I was being threatened to be sent to the psycho ward! I tried to just stop asking and would crawl in my bed and hide when I would feel so bad. Now I have a $3600 bill all for nothing. I thought inpatient was suppose to help a person? Now what? I don't know. I guess I'll pray for a good electical storm and climb the roof and hug the tv antena. Nothing more to do now.


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Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:CEK thread:640547
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