Posted by UgottaHaveHope on May 1, 2006, at 21:44:08
It all started with fear. In 1997, I had a tightness in my chest and the docs told me it was probably stress, but it bothered me 24/7. Because it bothered me 24/7, it was all I dwelled on and my mind just started racing and racing. I couldn't calm down. The pdoc gave me Xanax, BuSpar, Paxil, and about 30 other meds. None really seemed to calm me down.
Over the next few years, I had other physical symptoms that were anxiety-induced (now that I look back upon), but just tore me apart from the standpoint of anxiety.
Finally in about 2001, I realized that it was me against anxiety and not all of these funky symptoms (numbness in toes, shakes, head sores, night sweats). In the summer of 2005, I found the first med that calmed me down: It was Seroquel (25mg + 1mg Klonopin). It took the edge off. However, about three weeks ago, I had some business things happen and I got all jacked up again. Even regular Seroquel doses of 250mg really did not do much. That's where I am now.
Here is how I describe it: You know how you are walking through a haunted house and you know you are going to get scared but don't know when? That's how I feel. My mind is so divided. When I really get anxious (per last three weeks), I want to retreat and go to sleep or something (my escape). Then I get depressed. I do as little as I can do to get by. Fortunately I have been able to continue my job (work out of home) and am temporarily staying with parents (I hate to be alone).
My grandmother was Bipolar, and no other family illness than that. I have been tested for Bipolar, and the pdoc said no. She diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have a feeling a lot of my healing will have to do with my thought processes. Right now, I can't calm down enough to re-train my mind. I feel kind of hopeless.
It's like I am here, but my mind is a thousand miles away. It is hard for me to stay in the present moment. My mind has gotten so twisted that really the thing I fear is ... fear. Does that make sense?
If anyone has any input on my situation, I would be blessed to hear it. I try as much as possible to help others, and would appreciate any feedback. Thanks for caring, Michael