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Re: Unfortunately, I am a Lifer.... MARTY

Posted by Crazy Horse on April 17, 2006, at 9:52:58

In reply to Re: Unfortunately, I am a Lifer.... Crazy Horse, posted by MARTY on April 16, 2006, at 12:03:43

> Very touching post.
> Man.. what can I say? except that you're an inspiration to me! imagine, I'm 27 years old and living the same struggle as your since only 12 years now. Not long ago I've had the biggest suicidal depression of my life where I really though nothing good would never happen to me: being on disability all my life, never being able to have children.. etc
> And now I'm reading from a survivor that is it possible to not only survive this all of our lifes but also LIVE some good thing through this.
> That's something I would never though possible not long ago. That gives hope, that gives a model to follow. You are doing very well with the challenge god put in your way and so seeing it's possible inspire me and others to do well or even as well as you.
> Do you get what I mean ? I guess it's not lowering the pain your living in your desire to "recovering" completly from your disease and forget about it for the rest of your life. But it certainly means that you're definitively one of the few who got the best chance to recover before he die.. if a fighter like you can't recover before the end.. not a lot of people can!
> Continue to fight! Because, everybody here will agree... your worth it.
> I personnaly see your survival to your past and the way you succeed in transforming 'surviving' to 'living' as a great victory upon the cruelty of this world, the higher challenge of life.
> Congratulation Monte
> Your new friend, Marty
> > I remember it like it was yesterday, my first psychiatric break down. It was at the end of a stressful junior year in college. It started with severe panic attacks and eventually horrible, bed ridden, Depression. When i finally got in to see a psychiatrist i was diagnosed with panic attacks and major depression. I thought my life was over.
> >
> > He started me on Imipramine and Ativan. I was also seeing a psychotherapist 2 times a week. I remember asking my pdoc how long this would last and if i would ever be normal again. He said something like 6 wks., and yes i would probably be "normal" again because the imipramine would correct the chemical imbalance in my brain and after approx. 1 yr. on imipramine i could taper off and theoretically the imbalance would be corrected...yea right! Remember, this was 25 yrs. ago.
> > Well, it literally took about a year to even start to feel better. That year was a nightmare, many, many times, i contemplated suicide and only by the grace of God i didn't carry through. I remember begging God to let me die..I hated living, and saw no future for myself. My fiance' at the time dumped me as i'm sure she though i would never amount to anything. I was so hurt, so lonely, and so miserable.
> >
> > Well, my pdoc was wrong, the imipramine did not permanantly correct the imbalance. Here i am 25 yrs. later and i continue to fight this illness every day of my life. God has been good to me, I have a wonderful wife of 20 years, and 2 beautiful children. Since my initial "break down" i've had so many more i have lost count. Been hospitalized many times, one time for 2 1/2 mos. Tried nearly every psych. med known to man, seen many "specialists" and my diagnosis has been updated to Chronic major depression w/ some atypical features, OCD, GAD, and social phobia.
> >
> > I'm now 47yrs. and i know i will continue to battle this illness until i take my last breath. Currently, as most of you know i'm doing very well on parnate, and my hope is that this will last, but my true feelings is that it won't, nothing ever does for me. I pray to God every day that my boy's will never suffer from any mental illness of any kind,and so far so good, no signs whatsoever.
> >
> > Thanks for listening, it felt "therapeutic" to write this post. Please, others share your experiences as well. God bless you all.
> >
> > -Crazy Horse
Thank you for the kind words means a lot to me. You are a fighter too my friend, don't ever even think of giving up..EVER. A long time ago i decided that no matter how bad things get, SUICIDE WILL NOT BE AN OPTION FOR ME!!!

Over the years i've gotten stronger...sometimes not "better" but stronger to cope. I do believe in God and i know if not for my faith i would not be here today. Daily prayer gives me strength, hope, and perserverence. Without my faith in God i would have "pulled the trigger" many years ago!

Don't get me wrong, Life with this disease is always a struggle...even with great meds like Parnate. But you learn "little tricks" to help you keep going one day at a time.

I'm glad we have become friends Marty. You remind me a lot of myself. You have a great sense of humour, and laughing is one of those "tricks" that help me. Aside from getting too nasty sometimes, I think God is okay with the joking around. :) I will always do anything that i can to help you my friend...when i find someone that i like i'm like a good dog..ha ha, Loyal to the end. Be strong Marty, My hope, my prayer, and my gut feeling is that Parnate is going to work very well for you. A good man like yourself deserves to feel well.

Your friend,





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