Posted by willyee on January 15, 2006, at 19:58:32
In reply to Re: About the hospital thread...., posted by shasling on January 15, 2006, at 19:22:59
I am joked by close friends as Dr Bill,cause unlike us here the average person knows nodda,so when u mention ahy chemicals thats genuis to them.
Anyway im not proud of knowing as much as i do,id rather have that knowledage in another field,but i just was not getting the answers from the "professionals" i was in pain and i wanted to know why,what was is happening to my brain,i no docter would address that.
Its a catch 22 cause when u do learn a fair amount,well at least in my case,u tend to get a little cocky and dabble in self medication.I cant say i regret doing it,before i did i was literaly a blank page,i was heading towards suicide and had a med draw with all types of meds that made me feel insane.
When i did start self medicating,with a professional aside me,i began to get much better,yess i still have it,but i have achieved many things i know i never would have had i left it to the industry.
When ur in charge of a project mistakes are a given it will happen,and well unfrotunatly this project doesent allow much room for mistaks without possably deadly consequenses.And using ritalin was a bad move by me.
My mother wont let me do it and has tossed away vitamin b6 etc not caring what it was,in her mind if a doc scripts it,its good,shell block me from using kava yet feel it fine to take klonopin 4 a day as one doc had it and e a zombie,she doesent know this disease is nothing but trial and error for patient and docter.
I do what i do cause im prepared to die in the midst,i will not,refuse to put my gloves down and live in absolute pain and misery,without throwing a few punches back in my own defense.
So i am at war,i try to be as safe as possable come here ask questions,visit places like remedy find,consult with my doc a lil bit,but i understand i play a deadly game and like with ritalin i can end up dead or a veggie.
But what kinda life is worth living with depression,none,so to me its worth the risk of fighting with no rules,depression is merciless and unrelentless ,so to me any working treatment willl be the very painstaking t find.
Ok im preaching,but my soul is scarred for life,i lost my entire 20`s to this disease,and unlike a broken leg where u can get ur mind off it with a book or pals,u cant escape ur mind the very thing in pain,this makes it crucuial that i fight it as hard as it fights me.
LOL being a mom i can imagine u just biting ur tongue to yell at me for being reckless at times,sometimes i know better but im only human.
My heart and every ounce of empthy goes out to anyone who knows the true pain of CLINICAL mental disorder.We are scarred inside for life,but we hope for a future regardless.