Posted by med_empowered on November 13, 2005, at 20:42:27
hey! I have a problem finding a good diagnosis. I've been given soooo many--depression, social phobia, ADHD, bipolar II+NOS, schizophrenia-- that just don't really describe what's wrong with me. When I ended up in the mental hospital and explained that I had been DX'd bipolar II, my shrink kinda of acted like...I'd **wanted** to be bipolar, like I'd been making stuff up...I guess I just don't come across as "crazy" enough to "really" need help. I've had what I consider relatively minor psychotic episodes, usually pretty brief and were preceeded by pretty bad mood disturbances--usually lack of sleep and LOTS of anxiety; once, about a year ago, I heard voices during a severe depression. I'm 21 now; I started having problems with BAD depression when I was about 11 (also started getting panic attacks at this time)...I had my first semi-psychotic "issues" with lack of sleep and what not around age 15. My social anxiety isn't as bad as it used to be, but it still pretty bad. I'm a lot more hostile now, and I've developed this odd sort of cynicism; instead of crying, I laugh, and I feel like my emotions have kind of iced over.
Honestly, I'm kind of scared to go to a shrink. My experience in the mental hospital was utterly degrading and humiliating. When I got out, the shrink I was seeing at the time told me I'd have to pee in a cup (drug tests) to continue seeing her...I told I thought that was degrading, and I wouldn't do it...I haven't been to a shrink since.
Sometimes, I wonder why even bother going to a shrink. Around here, docs always worry that stuff is "addictive", so they hand out atypicals like candy while holding back on the benzos or stimulants. I mean..why bother? I'm not willing to have someone pump me full of Zyprexa and call it "therapy". In case you haven't caught on, I'm a little bit bitter...my last therapist, the one who decided I was "schizophrenic" had me bring in my family. Basically, my parents came in with a laundry list of complaints about me...they seemed weirdly happy that I was "schizophrenic," like there was finally an explanation for what was wrong with me. So...another doc told us I'm not schizophrenic, and now they still talk down to me, and treat me like I'm nuts. That therapist was so terrible...he didn't care what I thought or felt, or anything. Since I was "schizophrenic," all he cared about was whether or not I was taking my medicine and hallucinating. At one point, I told him I was stopping my antipsychotic, and then I stopped seeing him. I just get the feeling no one cares, really; they may be shrinks or therapists, but once you're "crazy" or "mentally ill", they just dont really care anymore....I remember one day I told that old therapist "I think my problem is I dont have a goal or any directing values in my life. I feel like I'm living a void." did he ask me to elaborate? No. He just went on and on about meds, hallucinations, etc. etc. (btw--I've only experienced mild hallucinations; I think he WANTED me to be schizophrenic, because I never really met the criteria for it).
So what do I do? In the ideal world, I'd call up the shrink and say "hey, I'm a pretty smart, troubled guy who's just trying to somehow create a life worth living--are you going to help with that, or are you going to judge me and pump me full of meds?" But...I guess you can't do that. Its a shame, really.
So...should I see a shrink? I mean, can the "mental health profession" really help me, or are they just going to make my life worse through labelling, degradation, and administration of ineffective, mind-numbing drugs?
Maybe the problem is I'm not passive enough. Sometimes I think if I went to a shrink and cried, or begged, or did something to look helpless and afraid, we'd get along. But I don't. I know a good bit about meds. I'm a total and complete smart *ss. I'm cynical. I'm open with my own opinions. Maybe...maybe I'm just not cut out to be a "good patient"? I'm not trying to sound superior just...maybe docs like it when you fall on their mercy or something. Maybe they dont want to do deal with some smart *ss, cynical, opinionated, mood-disordered, incredibly anxious gay guy. Maybe I "am not motivated to change" ? Maybe I'm just not willing to change into what shrinks want me to be? I dont know what to do.
poster:med_empowered
thread:578375
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20051112/msgs/578375.html