Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | List of forums | Search | FAQ

Re: No I don't want to recover

Posted by Racer on March 27, 2005, at 15:31:49

In reply to Re: No I don't want to recover, posted by Maxime on March 27, 2005, at 14:55:03

> Obsessive thoughts? I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore. Everyone is throwing all these questions at me and I don't know the answers.

That's something I can relate to. I've been going to an art therapy group that's really helpful for me -- EXCEPT for the one woman who always has to hit me with a barrage of questions, some of which are really good avenues for exploration, but not in the middle of the group, you know? Some of her questions just feel as though she's slapping my face, though. And some of them, even if I do know the answers, are just plain none of her business!

As for the obsessive thoughts, how about if, instead of asking you if you get them, I give you some examples of what happens to me, and at some point if you choose to you can check whether you think they apply to you? Would that be more helpful? That way, aside from not having to answer an actual question, you don't ever have to think about it at all?

OK, I do get totally obsessed by food. I will read cookbooks, and plan all the things I'll cook -- thinking not about eating them, but whom I can give them away to. I'll also start hoarding foods -- not in the sense of sticking bread in the underwear drawer, but buying ingredients for things I plan to cook. (We had one of the most overstocked kitchens you can imagine a couple of months ago!) And I was making doughnuts almost daily, on a search for the perfect doughnut recipe. (It seemed really vital to find it, although now I hardly remember why.)

I also set up a sort of mood tracking database, which got more and more elaborate as time went on. It tracked everything from what I ate and when, to how much diet pepsi I drank, how much water I drank, what activities I did each day, what medications I took and when, etc. That's just hte very basic stuff. And I had a bit of a ritual about it -- I couldn't eat a bite of anything until that food was fully listed in its proper place on this database, with mood and anxiety information, too.

I'd also get into things like, "I have to clean the bathroom before I reward myself with a shower." If I didn't get all the various tasks involved in cleaning the bathroom done, either I couldn't shower, or if I did, I couldn't put lotion on my legs.

Those are examples of my obsessiveness. Most of which seems kinda alien to me now. (Although, again, I also miss it...)

>Someone else questioned one of my posts and I felt like I was being called a liar. I was merely relating my experiences.

I'm sorry that happened. For what it's worth, I am reading this trying to understand enough that I can offer support that you can feel, rather than making it worse for you. I hope that you can kinda feel that, although I know that I don't always when I'm in a bad spot.

> And Matt sends me a Babble-Mail when I specifically asked him to leave me alone so now I have turned off my Babble-Mail.

That totally sucks. Have you emailed Dr Bob? Can you filter messages from him out of your email? That really is disrespectful, and I'm sorry that your boundaries were crossed that way.
> I'm really happy you have decided that you want to recover and are making great strides to do so. But I am not you. I can't do it right now. Besides, I am not a low weight. I'm a fat pig.
> Maxime

I very much doubt that you're a "fat pig" or anywhere close to it, Maxime, no matter how much it may feel that way. I am in the "Fat Anorexic" phase, where I've got all the emotional and psychological symptomology of AN, but am closing in on the bottom end of the healthy weight range. It sucks a lot, because I can't even look into the mirror anymore, and am showering in the dark -- and avoiding showering whenever possible. I'm also suffering from the redistribution of the weight I've gained, all to my midsection, where I can feel my belly fat all the time. It's distracting, and I hate it.

As for wanting to recover, that is on a minute by minute basis for me. I've had a rough week, and am restricting again. My scale showed me that it's finally working, and that's making me happy, but I'm afraid to go to my N this week, and may cancel so that I don't have to admit that I just want to lose it all.

The point of that is that recovery ain't no straight line, and that there probably aren't many people who always want to keep working on recovery.

Going back to you, though, how about I make this easy:

Maxime, I'm very sorry that things are so very rough for you right now. I hope that they improve soon, and that you get some relief. Sending you my best wishes.




Post a new follow-up

Your message only Include above post

Notify the administrators

They will then review this post with the posting guidelines in mind.

To contact them about something other than this post, please use this form instead.


Start a new thread

Google www
Search options and examples
[amazon] for

This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | FAQ
Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:Racer thread:475688